You should avoid the subways. There are people that sneeze on the train and I just want to smack them. I’ve seen people pick their nose and then grab the rail. I look at them like, “Really?” And they say, “Sorry.” But they aren’t sorry for what they...
Yippie ki-yay, VICE readers! Ron is back. Our office soothsayer has finally returned after a long and ragged journey filled with tribulations, advice giving, and redemption.
I’ve been caught having sex before. And I’m sure my daughter has probably gotten down in my house. But I would be go crazy if I ever actually caught her bumping uglies under my roof. I know it sounds weird, but it's all about respect.
We’re in a recession for crying out loud. Times are hard and everybody has to have a hustle, even if that hustle involves urine-soaked dirty drawers. I won't hate if you do it, just don't put a return address on your pee and panties package.
I understand that kids want to wild-out. I've done everything in the book. I was so bad when I was younger in the projects that I even surfed the train. So, I get it. I know you young people want to go nuts and act dumb, but trust me, you are only...
I think it’d be really cool if there were some Caspers around, some nice ghosts that I could just hang out, watch the game, or listen to music with. That would be great. They could keep me company but they wouldn't eat all my food or dirty up my place.
Watching your family grill under the influence and seeing criminal-provided fireworks.
Yes, you are way too late. It’s the end of June, you idiot.
Considering all the money I’ve sunk into being a dad, it wouldn’t be too much if my daughter rolled up to my crib on Father’s Day with a brand new Ferrari.
A better way to phrase this question is, "When is the right time to obliterate my youth?"