Is the Human Centipede the most Shocking Movie of all Time?

HELL no. Can we stop doing this please? Every couple of years a movie comes along that has test audiences walking out and people fainting in the aisles and people calling for a ban and blah blah blah AND I FALL FOR IT EVERY FUCKING TIME. This is the reason I’ve seen Driller Killer, I Spit on Your Grave, Hostel, Cabin Fever, Baise Moi, Cannibal Holocaust, every Troma film, Zoo, and about a billion other films that have all been shitty and completely un-shocking.

So here is everything that happens in The Human Centipede Now you won’t have to go out and buy/rent it. If you feel like you still need to watch it, download it, and never mention it to anyone. That way, no one is making money from it and maybe people will stop marketing their films by starting rumours that they had trouble casting the movie because of the ‘dangerous subject matter’.

The movie opens on the villain. The director subtly conveys his evilness by making him German and a surgeon (sound familiar?) and getting him to do this face a lot.

These two girls are the movie’s protagonists. They’re Americans traveling through Europe and have just broken down in the woods. Their phones do not work (uh oh!). At this point in the movie, it becomes apparent that it was written by an English-as-second-language speaker. Sample dialogue;

GIRL1: Roll down your window.

GIRL2: *SCREAMING* No! I am not gonna just roll down my frickin’ window!

After being unlucky enough to get caught in a 10ft wide rainstorm, the girls find themselves at the evil German Dr’s house.

He leers menacingly at them for a while, then lets them in.

To anyone out there studying film at university; that picture on the wall behind them is what your teacher is talking about when they say ‘subtle mise en scène’.

After a few more menacing leers (and a quick roofie-ing), the girls wake up strapped to hospital beds in the basement. There is also a Japanese guy there.

While leering in a menacing fashion, the doctor explains his plan. Between the title of the movie, and this diagram, I bet you can figure it out.

Then there’s a pointless sub plot in which one of the girls tries to escape (I guess when your entire movie revolves around 5 seconds of gross out, you’re gonna have a lot of filler). She’s captured, and then the surgery starts. The above still is the most graphic shot in the entire movie BTW.

And here it is. The human centipede. Three people on all fours, in a line, with bandages covering the implied mutilation. Gross, right!?!??!

And that’s pretty much it. Well, it’s not. There’s still another 30 minutes or so of movie. But you’ve seen the money shot, and I can’t really be bothered to write about the rest of the movie. All you need to know is that everyone dies except the girl in the middle of the centipede.

Oh, and if you thought “maybe I’ll watch it and see some boobs.”, well here ya go. Now you don’t have to. So in closing; if you watched Two Girls One Cup and thought “man, this is great. But I wish all the shit eating was implied, and you had to wait an hour to see it”, then it’s the perfect movie for you.Everyone else, stay away.