4 Ways to Stop Feeling So Insecure in Your Relationship

If you’re into psychology, you’ve likely heard about the attachment styles, like avoidant and anxious. It seems we’re all striving toward developing a secure attachment style, which is one rooted in emotional security. But if you’re a fearful dater, you might lean toward one of the more insecure styles.

Of course, relationship security depends on a lot of different factors. For example, you might feel insecure in one relationship and completely confident and grounded in another, depending on your partner and the dynamic you have. 

If you and your partner have a healthy connection, yet you’re still struggling with insecurity, here are four tips for being more secure in your relationship. 

1. Work on emotional self-regulation

Many of us struggle with self-regulation. When we get triggered or feel hurt, we often lash out at those closest to us. However, regulating your own emotions is crucial in any healthy relationship. This helps you be able to respond rather than react.

Instead of losing control and giving your partner an attitude when you don’t get your way, stop, breathe, and reflect on what’s truly bothering you beneath it all. Then, once you’re ready, you can have a conversation about it. This doesn’t mean you should shame or repress your feelings. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. By self-regulating, you’re able to get to the core of your emotions so you can better communicate them and your needs going forward.

2. Communicate honestly and kindly

As mentioned above, honest and kind communication is an important part of every relationship. While you don’t want to make your partner feel responsible for all your emotions, you shouldn’t have to fight constant internal battles out of fear of being “too much” or not being “chill enough.” 

In relationships, many of us worry we’re overreacting or being needy for simply experiencing human feelings. Secure individuals know that their feelings are valid and can communicate them gracefully, even when it’s uncomfortable. 

3. Set and honor appropriate boundaries

I don’t know about you, but I struggle setting boundaries in my relationships. I always feel inclined to overgive, even when I’m not receiving much in return. Healthy boundaries ensure you’re protecting and respecting your own energy. They’re not meant to punish or control your partner, but rather nurture your own heart and fill your own cup first. 

Your personal boundaries might look different from others’, and that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you should change for someone else. Rather, it can help you find potential partners who are more compatible with you and your wants/needs in a relationship. Secure people are confident in their standards because they know they can meet them, too.

4. Honor and validate your own feelings

Look, we’re human. We can’t be secure at all times. Certain things will rattle us and stir up past pains. The goal isn’t to be so calm and centered that nothing ever fazes you. That’s unrealistic and will only set you up for failure.

However, security comes from being anchored in your self-worth and self-reliance. You know that, no matter what happens in your relationship, you will be okay—even if you have to walk away from the person.

That doesn’t mean you won’t be heartbroken. It doesn’t mean you won’t feel lost for a bit. It doesn’t mean you’ll move on with complete grace and zero tears shed. It means you trust yourself to get through it and won’t stay in a relationship just because you’re afraid of loss or grief.