Astro Roast is a column in which astrologer Danny Larkin drags each sign, but affectionately!!
Virgo is the most fastidious sign in the zodiac. You can always count on them to read the fine print and to hone in on the small details. But sometimes, Virgos miss the forest for the trees and perseverate over minor details that don’t matter, obsessively fixating on the color of a napkin at a wedding or losing hours of sleep over one unanswered work email.
Virgos don’t just nitpick minor details like napkins—they also nitpick themselves. They’re constantly aggravated about how this or that aspect of their personality isn’t perfected and polished enough. They are always setting unrealistic self-improvement goals, and constantly chiding themselves for not measuring up to their absurd ideals. Whereas the rest of us understand that part of being human is not being perfect, Virgos suffer from the delusion that perfection is within their reach—and they feel like constant failures as a result.
Overwhelmed by the imperfections of the world as well as their own flaws, Virgos sometimes get moody and weird and retreat into the inner sanctum of their rooms. They switch off their phones and computers and try to wind down by reading a self-help book, but then get enraged when they find a minor typo. At some point, Virgo, it’s time to learn how to let go.
At work, Virgos quickly become exasperated with how inefficiently their colleagues execute tasks. They are notorious for dragging meetings into the weeds because they just can’t tolerate the fact that some team member is doing things the wrong way. Virgos can feel entitled to promotions and raises for being such taskmasters—but they can get passed over, because while they were obsessing about some obscure tedious detail in the workflow, someone else was figuring out what makes the boss tick emotionally, or looking at the bigger picture.
Virgo is an earth sign, which means it excels at being grounded and practical. But life is not just a mundane list of tasks to complete. When Virgos don’t want to deal with something emotionally intense, they can go into practical overdrive and rack up a colossal to-do list to keep themselves too busy to feel. Sometimes, Virgos just need to relax, smell the roses, and feel their less-than-perfect feelings; as impure as it feels, it’s healthy to feel sad or mad sometimes.
Virgo is ruled by the planet Mercury. Whereas Geminis—who share this planetary ruler—can’t stop talking, Virgos present the other face of Mercury: the tinkerer. These individuals love to make adjustments here and there, like medieval alchemists constantly making small changes and testing their results. Virgos get such a thrill out of finding the big results from minor changes. As a result, they often bore others with the tedious details of their own special daily routines, which they think would work for everyone else. No, we don’t want to become vegan or start CrossFit. Virgos can go on and about their latest “tweak,” ignoring subtle monosyllabic, I’m-not-interested signals from everyone around them.
It’s time to clear something up: Virgo is inspired by the Greco-Roman vestal virgins. These were not modern virgins in the sense of celibacy and chastity—they were ancient virgins in the sense that no man could marry them or own them. The vestal virgins lived together in a sacred temple where an eternal sacred flame burned. Once a year, there would be a sex ritual where the vestal virgins would be inseminated by several men in one night. The point of this, other than probably being lots of fun, was that no man could claim the child, who would then be raised at the temple. Woe to any man who tries to control a Virgo woman!
Given the history, it’s not that surprising to discover that many Virgos are freaks in bed. They like to get detailed-oriented about their lovers’ bodies. And for many Virgos, giving into that kinky side is far more rewarding than taking yet another self-improvement vow. After a lifetime of obsessive nitpicking, Virgos need a release. So, Virgo, let off some steam and get steamy with your lover. Instead of moving your lips with complaints about your colleagues’ inefficiency or or your friend’s poor health routines, allow your mouth to focus on other activities instead.
Now, it should come as no surprise that Beyoncé is a Virgo. She’s got the sexual charge of the ancient Virgo archetype, which she channels in many of her songs. Her fastidiousness is legendary in the industry, and she masters every detail of the choreography, music, and visuals in her performances and music videos. Lemonade is such a Virgo cultural artifact: Beyoncé worked on it in secret, telling no one other than those she collaborated with as she perfected each song and video, going miles above and beyond the industry standard in the process. And, in true Virgo fashion, she raised eyebrows both for her lyrics about enjoying sex with her husband and then for calling him out for cheating. No man can arrogantly take a Virgo woman for granted and get away with it.
Virgo season coincides with the end of summer. This is the time of the year when farmers carefully observe how their crops have grown so far and what the weather has been like, and then make adjustments to ensure the highest yield at harvest time. It’s a beautiful metaphor for the careful, exacting, and detailed ethos of Virgos. But just as farmers accept that a few plants in the crop will fail because that’s just the way nature works, Virgos also need to accept that sometimes things go wrong, and that’s OK. Adjust, tinker, and optimize to your heart's content, but don’t kid yourself—perfection will always be elusive.