DOs & DON’Ts – How to Submit

We love getting jpegs for DOs & DON’Ts but most of you are sending things that are barely big enough for a postage stamp. We can’t do shit with a 150k little thumbnail you took with your cell phone. The attachment should be somewhere between 500k and a megabyte and it should be done with a camera that’s at least 3 megapixels.

This is neither a DO nor a DON’T.
Then there’s the actual content of the photo.

Though many refer to the column as “stupid captions under weird photos” the general point is still supposed to have at least something to do with fashion. Did they put together an outfit that they want to be good? Are they trying at least a little bit? Okay then send it in. Don’t send it if they’re making fun of fashion or they could give two shits about what they have on or they’re 85 years old. One of the most popular DON’Ts we ever did was when we said to a four-year old, “Nice purple track pants you fat bitch.” The point of that was to kind of make fun of the person who submitted it like, “What do you want us to say about a fucking toddler?”

Here are some more general guidelines. We tend to break the rules listed here from time to time but as Grandpa used to say, “Do as I say not as I do.”

DON’T send us HOMELESS PEOPLE
Sometimes we can’t resist if it’s a really funny pic but for the most part, mentally ill alcoholics aren’t really in the market for critique. It’s not considered “out” this season to be dying of self-abuse and have a huge dirty cut on your forehead.

DON’T send us COSTUMES
Ideally punk, goth, rave etc is a parody of fashion. If someone fucks up one of that particular subculture’s rules we could work with it or if someone who shouldn’t be participating in the look has decided to get involved anyway we could work with that too but wooly dreads and skull boots are essentially a costume and getting into the pros and cons of that outfit is like analyzing Halloween.

DON’T send us YOUR DRUNK FRIENDS
or your girlfriend. We know you find them interesting but we just see a guy in a bra screaming “Yeaaaah.” So what?

In a perfect, DOs-&-DON’Ts-reading, world some girl in small town Wisconsin would get a laugh at the comment AND discover, “Oh, people are wearing Wallabes with no socks this summer, interesting.” Try to have fashion at least somewhere in the equation.

DO send us MALE DOs AND FEMALE DON’Ts
Truth is we are DROWNING in female DOs and male DON’Ts. Have you ever seen them naked? It looks like God decided long ago women were going to be the attractive ones. Clothing rarely changes things. That means we have to balance it out a bit with some girls in Birkenstocks and some Cassavetes guys.

DO send us FULL BODIES
It’s really hard to do this in crowded bars but we want to see the hair AND the shoes. That means you stand way back, turn the camera sideways and get one inch above the head and one inch below the shoes.

DO get shots WHERE PEOPLE CARE
Though Saturday and Sunday are good, daytime hunting is usually pretty bad. On Tuesday afternoon people are hungover or it’s their day off and they’re doing laundry. You need to go to parties and bars where people are doing things that are fun and trying to get laid.

One exception to this rule is the subway on Friday evening from 6 to 8PM. People usually zane it up at work on the last day of the week and you’d be surprised how many ambitious looks you see coming out the tube.

DO include DETAILS
It helps to include locations and what the circumstances of the photo are. Reader Rya Backer just submitted this picture and took the time to mention, “The guy in the black tank top is blurry, but he was this offensive slab of California trash.  His hair was frosted and he had those sunglasses that looked like lab goggles.  I was quite intrigued by the tattoo on his right shoulder – an outline of the state of California. There’s another picture of him from the waist down, because he had something written on his ass.  I can’t read what it says, but it’s probably really edgy.”

Please send your submissions to vice@viceland.com