Jamie Taete’s Internet Landfill

Here are some things I learnt this week by trawling the worst place on the planet: The internet.

JUXTAPOSING GENRES IS NEITHER FUNNY OR INTERESTING

There’s nothing that annoys me more than an opposing-genre crossover. Does that term make sense? Is there a term for this already? When you take a song, but cover it in a genre that is the polar opposite of the original, like indie hip-hop covers.

The worst part of this is that it isn’t an isolated incident, this is part of a new “genre” called “chap-hop” (Good name guyz!). Eugh, I couldn’t even watch this to make fun of it. I made as far as the term “tea trousers” before I had to close the tab. (which wasn’t easy with my hands clenched in to shaking fists).

I know you’re a part of the multi-tasking generation, but I want you to just take a second and just concentrate on the enormity of this fail for a second. This video was uploaded THREE WEEKS AGO. THREE! That means that, three weeks ago, a group of people this large collectively saw nothing wrong with combining the Bed Intruder Song (which was last acceptable to reference some time around August) and acapella (which was last acceptable to reference some time around NEVER).

Can someone with more spare time than me make an autotuned Star Wars kid remix of this that gets interrupted by both Keyboard Cat and Kanye West?

According to this woman’s Wikipedia, her most notable achievements are singing on “Thank Abba for the Music” and (shockingly) achieving “popularity in Australia”. I guess she deserves props for dedicating so much of her life to making such shitty Europop. But who is still giving her money to make stuff like this? The video looks kind of expensive. Like, “really good YouTube spoof of The Matrix” expensive.

Also, that little turn she does in the chair at 1:51 might be the worst attempt at sexy I’ve ever seen.

CHRISTMAS WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN

Speaking of awful music, I got sent a press release for Viv Albertine’s new “alternative Christmas” single “Home Sweet Home (…at Christmas)”:

Let’s face it, Christmas never goes to plan. There’s always something that gets in the way. The perfect seasonal tale, with its Dickensian morality or heartwarming Hollywood values is, for the vast majority of the human race, an unattainable myth.

If you’re anything like me, you’ve been waiting YEARS for someone to finally turn the traditional idea of Christmas on it’s head (you know, with something other than Bad Santa, Black Christmas, The Nightmare Before Christmas, that Tales from the Crypt Christmas rap album, The Grinch, Gremlins, every cartoon ever, Die Hard, Scrooged, Elf, and about a billion other things that I’m not going to type otherwise this blog will just be one gigantic, endless list of alternative Christmas entertainment). But anyway, do go on:

Celebrated ex-Slits guitarist, Viv Albertine has reworked one of her existing songs to create a dark, twisted take on everyone’s favourite Christian festival. Her acclaimed track ‘Confessions of a MILF’ has been subjected to a sinister Seasonal adaptation and now becomes ‘Home Sweet Home (…at Christmas)’ – Viv’s annual alternative Christmas single.

I’m sorry, what’s that now? She’s reworked “Confessions of a MILF”? but that’s a classic that should never be messed with! This is the biggest travesty since that remake of Psycho.

I wonder if this press release can oversell this shitty song any harder?

Time has failed to diminish her willingness to challenge convention, throw a spanner in the works, and unite people under a banner of well-natured honesty. Virginia Woolf once stated that the three rules of great writing were to survive, create beauty, and tell the truth. Viv Albertine did this as a girl and a young woman, and now she’s doing it again. If you want an easy comparison – she’s, like, the Tracy Emin of rock.

Ah, yes, that’s it. You could compare her to Virginia Woolf. Job done guys! Also, you should probably have used a few less commas in that last sentence. It transforms it from a simile to someone doing an impression of Clueless.

The calamity of the press release was compounded by the fact that it initially claimed that Viv Anderson, not Viv Albertine who was releasing “Home Sweet Home (…at Christmas)”. Which is impressive considering he was also the first black football player to represent England in a full international match. Well done Viv!

I’M GOING POST THIS HERE BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME A BIT OF THE LAST SONG

…and is one of the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever seen. I know it’s super old, but very often I’ll find out that people haven’t heard of it. And no one should have to go through life without seeing this:

Why. Would. A. Baby. Dream. Of. Rape? Why would a baby dream of rape? Whywouldababydreamofrape? Thank you.