What is heaven?

Is heaven really fluffy, big-tittied angels brushing their golden pubic hair? Nudie rainbows? Smiley orgies? Is heaven really misty puff clouds? Tanned, blond, happy, bleached-asshole intercourse? Milk, sugar, deer, baby bunnies? Dessert? Is heaven really honky, whitey and leisurely? Is it crisp, ironic small shorts worn to a tennis game, which is a big win? Is heaven really chocolate? Is heaven getting it all and not trying that hard? Is heaven going to answer my most complex spiritual questions, and do they come with ceviche, Pernod and poolside? Is heaven 5% lycra or 8%? Is heaven all about me or the “fuck me” pumps? Is it to die for? MK, Ashley, or Stevie Nicks?

---

Is heaven soft cottons, unique colors at Uniqlo? Sale? Was heaven that hot fudge at Hard Rock Cafe? Is heaven trying Boo Boo Zap before I buy? Can I put my fingers anywhere?

Is heaven NEON or TETRIS, 90’s or 80’s? Is it gourmet or will it be irony? Drunky gramma? Is heaven a big thick dumb dick–but it’s BIG, right? Ugly face, but TIGHT HOLE? Does heaven smell like Snuggle or can you make dryer sheets at home with essential oils? Will heaven let me put my tongue in your butt?

Is heaven a tomb where you put your Nikes? Is heaven fat-free, guilt-free and vegan? Will Marc Jacobs be there? Is heaven hairless? Is it a buffet, all you can eat? Does it spell-check?

Is heaven healthy? Does heaven know Bono or “his people”? Does Heaven subscribe to Nylon? Does heaven just wanna make out, drama free? Just wanna dance?

Aaand is heaven…also a heaven but is and might be hell? Is hell already heaven? Is there no such thing except it’s happening now? Is it all just our big nerd friend, Earth?

Every night I walk by the window of a basement apartment and I see this round dude on the couch and I hate to admit, but I am pretty sure, heaven might be:
VICODIN
WINE
CABLE
DORITOS
GIANT SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS PALLIN’ AROUND PANTS
SHIRTLESS.