Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
Publisher: Activision
Platform: Xbox 360

Let’s get one thing straight right from the start here: I am a total, utter, disgusting Call of Duty 3 addict. I slip on that Xbox 360 headset, log on to a multiplayer game (I prefer the Capture the Flag or Headquarters mods, since you asked), and enter a delicious realm of World War II ass-kicking, shit-talking, grenade-flinging, airstrike-calling glory. I know the maps so well that it feels like they are parts of the real world. Sometimes if I play for too long and then I go outside, I feel the urge to take cover behind something solid and start shooting at people. Yep, I am that fucking guy.

So it was with an army-green, bloodstained mixed bag of emotions that I greeted the news of the imminent release of Call of Duty 4. First of all, its official title is Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. It takes place in a fictional Middle Eastern locale, and it’s basically the “War on Terror” in video-game format. First thought: not cool. I don’t like this war, meaning I am not behind it. I would have been behind World War II, plus there are the intervening decades, which make it seem more like a movie to people our age than a war. Anyway, I’m cool with making World War II into a game. Not so cool with making Bush’s Folly into one, though.

Or at least that’s what I thought till I played the shit. Then all my political beliefs, morals, and principles shrunk to the size of a pinhead in the face of the staggering punch in the gut that is this game’s total and utter sickness. Even my abiding love for Call of Duty 3 couldn’t temper the flames that Call of Duty 4 immediately lit inside me. I know I sound insane, but like I said, I am that fucking guy.

“So, asshole,” you’re saying with righteous indignation to the magazine in your hands right now, which to you is a surrogate for me, “What’s so great about Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare that you were able to compromise all that you believe in—and betray Call of Duty 3 in the bargain? Huh?!” Well, I’ll tell you. Customizable weapons combos. It’s pretty much as simple as that. One of the bitches about Call of Duty 3 was always that you could choose your class, sure, but that limited you to whatever weapons that class carried. So let’s say I really prefer to be a Scout (which means “sniper” in CoD 3 language) but I want a little extra action besides my sniper rifle. Too bad. Or what about the fact that Medics only got smoke grenades? That’s bullshit! This is 2007, and I want to put together a motherfucking iTunes playlist of guns and shit! In CoD 4, that’s just what you can do. You can create multiple customized classes. A sniper rifle here, an automatic handgun there, a stun grenade on top like a little metal cherry… It’s like going shopping except with death. Then, on top of choosing your weapons you get to choose from a list of perks to add to your customized outfits. There’s everything from better stopping power to increased health to faster running. There’s also an amazing new feature called Last Stand, in which you get to whip out your sidearm once you’ve been shot down and use it to fire off a few last rounds. There is nothing quite like the feeling of getting cut down by some wiseass’s rifle fire, only to nail him with your pistol as he runs by what he thinks is your corpse. It’s a moment of blissful satisfaction.

The gameplay in CoD 4 is extremely fast and extremely harsh and loud. There’s always shit exploding, people screaming, and, like, fires and stuff. With graphics any lesser than what they’ve accomplished here this would look confusing and ugly, but man oh man does it look good. This game could be the reason HDTV was invented. The palette is washed out with lots of greens, browns, and grays, and it looks and feels perfect. When the flash grenade goes off and everything turns white and there’s a ringing in your eyes, you almost don’t mind because it looks so damn pretty.

Now for the cultural implications of playing a war-in-the-Middle-East game while there is a war in the Middle East actually happening in the world outside your Xbox… Um, I give up. There is the fact that you can play as a Middle Eastern man, so you can get on both sides of the coin. I guess that’s something. And it’s not very realistic in terms of the actual war either. You can’t play as a Blackwater guy. You play as British SAS-type dudes. That’s a little more inside my comfort zone than hearing American voices hoot and holler while you blast the shit out of a mythical Arab city. Man, I don’t know.

Look, Call of Duty 4 is good enough that you’re going to have to set aside your entire belief system to play it, OK? Get off your high horse and just git some, Mr. Priest Pants.




Halo 3
Publisher: Microsoft
Platform: Xbox 360

Oh look, it’s the most anticipated, exciting, era-defining game of the year. Oops, no it’s not. It’s the most overhyped, overblown, overthought game like ever. Halo 3 is to gaming what Radiohead’s new record is to music: You think you give a shit because it feels so up-to-the-minute to have it and participate in the cultural moment or whatever surrounding it, but then you get it and you’re like: “I’m bored.”

Are you used to games where you have fun, run around, and shit happens? Then maybe Halo 3 will be a nice change of pace for you. In this game, you’re inexorably led, in what seems like slow motion, through the most rote of single-player experiences. You can do a co-op campaign with a friend on Xbox Live, but it gets so dull that we literally found ourselves talking about what we paid and got back on our taxes last year. Seriously.

Multiplayer isn’t much better. Is it just me, or can everyone else never even find anyone to kill? I end up wandering the fairly nice-looking maps, unable to find anyone to shoot at, and then someone shoots me from behind and I wait to respawn. Then that happens again. And again. That’s the Halo 3 online experience.

Wasn’t this supposed to be one of those revolutions in gaming? Weren’t we supposed to slap our foreheads every five seconds as we played this game, whispering to ourselves, “How did they think of such amazing innovations in the video-game experience?”

You know what the real revolution in gaming is? The Orange Box. Have you played this game yet? HOLY FUCKING SHIT. I shouldn’t even say “game.” Have you played this life-changing collection of five games on one disc, each one better than the last? If you don’t know, The Orange Box is the jacked-up new version of Half Life 2, which was already one of the best campaign games ever and which totally stands up to playing through once more. The Box also includes two sequels to Half Life 2, each just as good, and Team Fortress 2, which is the best multiplayer game out there. The graphics are a totally new direction in this kind of game. They are more Roger Rabbit than Quake or Doom. You can choose from nine different classes, each of which has a different, awesome skill. There’s a guy who builds automated guns that mow down enemies for you. There’s a guy who flings bombs everywhere. There’s even a spy slot, which lets you pose as a member of the opposing team. They won’t even know you’re a spy until you fucking KILL THEM FROM BEHIND. This game has renewed my faith in the whole genre of the first-person shooter.

Oh, and then there’s a fifth game on here. It’s called Portal and it is a total mindfuck. It’s the closest a video game has come to replicating being on LSD. It’s like a puzzle game combined with the Half Life mood and it’s like… Dude, I can’t even describe Portal.

If you don’t have The Orange Box yet, you need to leave work or school now and get it. Now. (I know this was supposed to be a Halo 3 review, but seriously, Halo 3: The Orange Box put your dick in the dirt.)




Skate
Publisher: EA
Platform: Xbox 360, PlayStation 3

Eat a flaming bag of shit, Tony Hawk. While your complacent empire of skate games has been feeling more and more like Sudoku for Teens with each release, EA Games has been working diligently on Skate, which fully reinvigorates my interest in pretending to do insanely hard tricks by using a little plastic thing I hold in my hand while I sit in a chair eating chips and guacamole.

I don’t skate. I never skated. I mean, I tried a thousand times when I was a kid, but it just never worked. I was not born to skate. The most I could do was that thing where you move the front of the board back and forth. What’s that called? A Chicklet? A Tic-Tac? Whatever. The first and only time I did an ollie, I landed in such a way that my left big toenail snapped off, cutting my foot and filling my shoe with blood in ten seconds. I had to throw the shoe and the sock away, and then the other shoe was useless, so I had to chuck that too.

But sitting in a chair playing a beautifully rendered video game that replicates skating? That I might have been born to do. And if I had to choose one game to do it with, it would be Skate.

Because while I have never skated, I have always been friends with skaters. I’m like a skate betty with a dick, except I don’t want to fuck skaters. I just generally enjoy their company. I seriously don’t want to fuck them. I swear. I really don’t.

But I do know enough to know that Skate feels totally authentic—much more so than other skate games. There’s something about the mechanics of pulling tricks in Skate that feel much more natural and related to real skating. It’s this flicking motion you do with the control stick, and it totally makes sense. There’s a large list of tricks that you can learn really easily and before you know it, you’re putting together lines like a pro. It’s nuts.

The campaign mode on Skate is great. You tool around this fictional California town, learning new tricks, getting photos taken, and making video footage of your lines. Then all of a sudden you bump into some pro, like Jason Dill or Jerry Hsu, and they give you a challenge and you do it and then you unlock more shit. Freeskate mode is good too, because almost every pixel of every map is skateable. It is literally impossible to get bored. It is very possible to get extremely frustrated and want to smash your controller, but even that’s authentic. It’s like the video-game version of focusing your board.

PACKLESS