Drug Users Talk About the Moment They Decided to Turn Their Lives Around

India has a less than stellar history when it comes to drugs or addiction. Our strategy has largely involved ignoring it and hoping it will go away. Only by acknowledging that this is a real problem can there be a possibility for recovery.

According to the latest Indian National Crime Records Bureau report, at least 2.7 percent of all suicides in India were linked to drug abuse or alcohol addiction in 2015. (3,647 out of 1,31,666 suicides reported in 2014 were due to ‘Drug Abuse/Alcoholic Addiction’.)

We spoke with a few recovering drug addicts* about what it took to finally quit and how they did so on their own.

These accounts have been translated from Hindi and edited for clarity.

“I wasn’t even aware of my friend getting hit by a train”
Adil, 23

“I started drugs when I was 10 or 11 years old. My friend got me into it. I used to live in Inderlok, Delhi, and work at a shoe factory in Shastri Nagar. School didn’t work for me. My father was a day labourer and my mother, a homemaker. I don’t remember when they died. Everyone I knew was taking drugs. One day, my friend at the factory gave me smack. Then he made me use it another day too. It went on for some days. One day he stopped. But I needed it. So I paid him money to get it. That’s when it all began. I got addicted.

“Gradually I started taking No. 10 tablets (Nitrazepam) too. I had to have five tablets each day. When high, I could do anything. I used to feel brave. I could snatch phones, gold chains, rob cupboards in neighbourhood houses to get money and then buy drugs. I fought with others. I stole. I started keeping a knife on me. I stopped going home. The police took me away many times. I was sent to (reform) homes but I hated them and always wanted to run away. I always went back to drugs.

“I was a nashe’baaz—high all the time. Every morning began with a frantic search for my fix. One day, first thing, a friend, Javed and I rushed to find our dealer for our daily hit. He would be under the Zakhirah pul (bridge) near Inderlok (in North West Delhi). There are railway tracks under the bridge. If you talk to anyone on smack, you’ll know what the withdrawal feels like. My friend was walking on the tracks. He was a little behind me. I looked back and I couldn’t find Javed. The train had hit him. My friend had been hit and I didn’t even know. A crowd formed. It was then I saw his severed body parts. I ran away.

“I felt lonely. I didn’t feel like using smack. I began to think about my life. My friend had a family, a father, a mother. I had no one to care for me. I was a lawaris, an orphan. That was when I decided to quit drugs. I walked all the way to a drug de-addiction centre at Mukherjee Nagar in northwest Delhi.

“I think about my past life and wonder what it would have been like had I not gotten into drugs. I know my face still doesn’t look good. I know that. I want everyone to believe that I am clean. I have been clean for six years now.”

“I hated myself. I wanted to change”
Gurpreet, 30

“The first time I masturbated, it was in the school bathroom and I was thinking about a girl from my class. I was 15 years old. I felt guilty and ashamed of myself. We are made to believe masturbation is wrong. I started drinking and smoking to ease my guilt.

“Since childhood, I was always made to feel guilty about something or the other. I never felt good about myself. I used to pity myself. I used to be alone. I remember the first time my father left for some work to Punjab, I felt a little free. I went to a shop and purchased a Red and White cigarette pack. And later at night I smoked on the rooftop lying flat on my back so no one could see me.

“I am from a Sikh family. There were two voices in my head, one said ‘Never do it again, you are from a good family’. Another said, ‘One more won’t make a difference.’

“The first time I went to a bar was with two friends and we all ordered beer. But see, I wanted to feel macho. I wanted to feel superior in front of my friends, so I ordered whiskey. I started drinking more than them. They were both from good homes. Now I knew the way to the bar. So I started calling my friends again and again. Once or twice they came along. But then they felt that I was overdoing it. They put their foot down. I couldn’t go to the bar alone. But I needed alcohol. I found a theka. And started buying quarters.

“You have to understand that quitting and staying off are two different things. My parents were disappointed in me. When they came to know that I was drinking it was as a shock. No one in my family drinks. There used to be fights between us that would end in my mother crying. Guilt piled on. The drinks got stronger. I had also started using smack, charas, ganja, and brown sugar. I was meeting people who were doing drugs and I would hang only with them. None of my old friends were my friends anymore. My life had completely changed.

“What an addict remembers is the high, the pleasure of these substances. He doesn’t remember the pain. So he goes back to it. These drugs provided me with temporary relief. I wanted to change my feelings of guilt and feeling low. After a few drags, my mind would quiet down.

“I hated myself. I had no self-esteem. And I had no idea where I was going in life. What made me decide to quit was my state at that time. I received a message from Alcoholics Anonymous one day. So I started going to the meetings. I have no recollection of my first meeting. People remember the dates and year and celebrate (sobriety) birthdays, but I don’t remember the date. These past four years I have tried to stay away from drugs and alcohol. I take one day at a time. And I never want to drink again. I have been clean for four years. It would have been five but I slipped once.”

“Don’t ever come searching for us. We will be okay”
Jacob, 38

“I hit rock bottom. I lost family, friends, and jobs while I was on drugs. I became hopeless. The journey to recovery took me a lot of time. A lot of pain. Hate. Disgust. Fear. I relapsed four times before I quit for good. I was a multiple substance abuser—cocaine, heroin, alcohol, pharmaceuticals, everything. It all started with curiousness when I was in Class VII.

“The first time I tried heroin, my wife was in a hospital. She was in labour. Ours was a love marriage. The doctor said she would take 6 to 7 hours before the baby was delivered. I told her that I’ll go home and get baby clothes, flasks etc. On way to home I saw my friends. I was living in Chennai at that time. Heroin came from Sri Lanka and it was cheap. My friends were passing the pipe and foil around. It was my first time trying heroin. I started vomiting. Then the buzz came. The kick came in. Oh my god, it was so satisfying. I stayed with them for the next seven hours. When I went back to the hospital, the doctor accused me of being irresponsible. I bluffed; I told him that I had overslept. The nurse told me that I had a baby girl. My wife saw that something was not right with me. She started crying.

“The worst came after that. My daughter had jaundice and the doctor said they would have to stay at the hospital for another 10 days. That was when I messed up really bad. I was alone at home and continued meeting my friends. Heroin was awesome. The craving that came afterward. I wanted to quit but the truth is I liked the high.

“A doctor friend recommended detox. I stayed at a mental asylum for 15 days. They used to give us Largactil tablets or injections, commonly used to treat depression or behavioural disturbances. That would knock me out for two to three days. The withdrawal was bad. I used to jump out of bed like a fish. There was vomiting, nausea, joint pain, no sleep, restlessness, running nose, loosies. It was horrible. The doctor gave me a prescription after I left the ward for two more weeks. I was hooked onto Largactil now. I liked the high it gave me. Later, I went back to my drug of choice: heroin.

“When my father died, my sisters didn’t tell me. They didn’t tell me when my mother died either.

“The worst moment was when my wife left with my daughter. One morning after waking up I found a letter on a table. My wife had made me breakfast and the letter was next to it along with a bunch of keys. The letter read, ‘Don’t come looking for us. We’ll be okay.’ I panicked. I went to my daughter’s school; she wasn’t there. I went to my wife’s office. They told me she had resigned. I waited two days. Three days. I started drinking. I was ashamed the neighbours might come to know. I drank for three months. I was broken.

“I tried to kill myself thrice. I went to a railway platform and laid my head on the tracks. Something inside me stopped me. Twice I tried to hang myself.

“But now I feel blessed. I am clean. I am working in a rehab centre where I am helping hundreds. I can’t wallow in self-pity. I have to move on with my life. I have been clean for eight years.”

“Quitting is tough. I take one day at a time”
Rinku, 24

“After my father’s death, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd. I was just 13 or 14 years old. I started cutting school. My mother would see my red eyes and ask me questions. I used to be high, but I would lie to her. Slowly she came to know I was doing drugs. So she would stop me from leaving home. I would run away.

“I got caught up with crime and the police. I hated the police, the lock ups, the reform homes. I have seen so many things I shouldn’t have. Drugs make you do the wrong things. My mother sent me to a rehabilitation centre. After three months of rehab, I went back to drugs. My mother was unhappy with me. I caused my younger sister grief too. The second time I came to the drug de-addiction centre, I met a friend I used to get high with years ago. He had been clean for sometime. I listened to his story in one of our meetings. I saw that he had changed. Something in me told me I could give up too.

“Quitting is tough. I have to be mentally strong. I take one day at a time. I have been free from drugs for four years now. Sometimes my friends still call me and say let’s hang out. But I know if I go with them, I’ll fall back. It is hard to stay away. But I am trying.”

*Names have been changed to protect the identity of Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous members.

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