Would You Fuck a Tory, Though?

You'll have been wondering many things this election cycle. What, precisely, are Jeremy Hunt's mental health policies? Will Corbyn be able to overcome the media slaughtering he's been subjected to? Will my parents ever buck up and decide to listen to my many pleas to stop being working-class right-wingers?

However, let's be honest: the only question you really to need to ask – both of yourself and others – is this: would you fuck a Tory, though?

Would I shag a Tory? I mean, yes, probably – at least in theory. My brain and my vagina do not, unfortunately, share a moral compass (no other possible explanation for my inexplicable attraction to Matt McGorry, for example), and that's a burden I have to shoulder. But I will say: the Tory would have to be hot. They would have to be really hot – a positively piping plate of bangers and mash, or, indeed, of any other such dish you might find on the menu of a gastropub that describes its food as "proper" and "British". And that, actually, is where we come into some problems.

Because in practice there are absolutely no fit Tories. From far away, you may be fooled by their smart clothes and angular, rich person bone structure (which, when you really consider it, does actually have more than a little of the "closely-bred Labrador" about it). But when you get a bit nearer, there's always something a bit off about a Tory, isn't there? Tories always have weird breath, or they do that horrible spitting thing people do when they're talking and get overexcited, or, worst of all, they call their mother "mummy."

And isn't it true that it's those things – those little things – which create the real tipping points when you're deciding whether you're going to let someone put a cross on your ballot paper? Plus they'd probably ask if they could call you Maggie during sex, and to be honest even I have to draw a line somewhere, so I might have to rethink my position.

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Well, my boyfriend and I are Lib Dems, and the Tories already fucked us over, so it's probably about time we fucked them back. Maybe I'd go down on said Tory and make him really, really turned on, and then I'd walk off and be like "a coalition is a coalition, that means you're supposed to work together".

It also depends on what kind of Tory they are – a 2015 Tory is very different to a 2017 Tory. I don't think I would ever want to fuck someone who was like "British jobs for British people", but if it was one of those Tories who are like "I love the free market", I could probably get hard for that.

Also, you do need variation in life. I wouldn't want everyone I come skin to skin with to think in the exact same way as me. Me and my boyfriend have such similar political beliefs it can get a bit stale; our ideal night in would end with both of us cuddled up in bed reading Nick Clegg's biography. Not really, but there is never any friction or tension when we talk about politics because we never disagree on anything. So I wouldn't really have a reason not to fuck a Tory. It would be very pernickety of me, like not having sex because your boyfriend didn't fold his underwear up in the drawer.

I wouldn't have intimate sex with a Tory, but I would definitely hate-fuck one. Infiltrating behind enemy lines would be very satisfying, like placing a bomb in someone else's trench. Plus, a lot of Tory women are upper class, meaning they might have daddy issues from when their father stayed late at the office rinsing millions and millions of pounds out of the economy, which I'm sure would to translate to some interesting stuff between the sheets.

Have I slept with someone who did PPE at university? Have I hooked up with someone who owns a fleet of yachts? Did I once listen to The Kooks and Razorlight for hours in the hope of getting off with an "India"? Regrettably, yes: scattered across my sexual graveyard are the ashes of people who wore Jack Wills and deck shoes. But what about sleeping with a Tory in the future, making that decision now in a time when barely a day goes by that I'm not confronted with what the Tories have done to this country?

I want to say: does this Tory have the svelte head of Vin Diesel and the glistening traps of The Rock? I want to say: will my body mass be so diminutive compared to theirs that they can pick me up with one hand without their jaw clenching? I really want to say: when I have a hangover will they be wearing grey sweatpants and give me so much attention that I get smothered both emotionally and literally? But I must say that: no, I don't think I will be hooking up with a Tory in the near future. I'm too politicised now and it'll be the death of me and my sex life. Thank you and goodnight.

Not only would I sleep with a Tory; if I were single on the 8th of June I would consider it my civic duty. If you live in a marginal area, vote first thing in the morning then go and seduce a Conservative voter. Distract them with such sweaty feats of sexual depravity that they forget to go and cast their own ballot.

I've never knowingly fucked a Tory – though I did once cut a one-night-stand short when it turned out my date was a fan of Cameron – but I would definitely enjoy being gang-banged by bankers during some gruesome election day orgy. It would hit my humiliation kink, and if it distracted them from casting their votes I'd consider it a powerful act of resistance.

The Tories are on track to win this election, and win it by a significant majority. Do anything you can to prevent this. If you're registered to vote, actually vote. Distract Tories who are on their way to vote. Invite your racist grandparents round for tea and keep them chatting till the polls close. Above all, fuck some fucking Tories. They love screwing the poor, so you'll have no trouble finding one willing to bone you as hard as they've boned the NHS. Get a Tory in your bed and keep their cross out of the box. GOOD LUCK.

I've already shagged a Tory, to be honest. It was a Tinder thing and my bio was "no Tories", and he did the whole awkward "Oh why no Tories" shit and told me how hard he had it in daddy's mansion that people didn't take his views seriously. A part of me did it because I was smashed and in a horrid place after a break-up, and another part of me did it to be like: "Ha, fuck you, you might think you're all that, but I can still fuck n chuck you." I think we were both going through a bit of a crisis, but basically he took me straight home after a shocking attempt. He text me after saying "sure you're on the pill?" and we haven't spoken since.

So I once met this girl on Happn, which if you haven't heard of it, is basically Tinder for people who think they're better looking than everyone else. This girl was beautiful: very intelligent, successful, funny – pretty much the perfect woman, except for one small detail: she was, unfortunately, a Tory in the very worst sense of the word.

She was in her mid twenties, yet had already bought her first house and was doing it up to rent it out, with a view to buying her second. She often showed a startling contempt for those most in need in our society, and like most Tories had an attitude towards inequality that was, in essence, "Why can't poor people just make themselves more money?" I avoided talking politics altogether with her from the sheer exhaustion of having to hold my tongue for hours on end.

Despite that, we clicked. Maybe I simply respected her as a person regardless of her political opinion. Sadly, though, we never worked out in the long-run. We hit an impasse, broke down and couldn't carry on.

No, I wouldn't fuck a Tory. The main reason I wouldn't do that is because I don't like the idea of giving a Tory any satisfaction of any sort. If someone is selfish with their politics, why would I assume they're any different when it comes to sex? It'd be very hard for me to come close to fucking a big fan of the Conservative party to begin with, as I don't hang out anywhere many of them gather. But say that I, for the sake of argument, somehow did end up getting in a potentially sexy situation with a Tory because I fell down some stairs or something – how exactly would that progress? I'm queer, an immigrant and a writer – for a lot of them I shouldn't even be here to fuck in the first place.

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