Last week, the Supreme Court reversed a federal law that prohibited people from trademarking anything deemed to be "immoral" or "scandalous," ruling that the ban on "bad" words violated the First Amendment. That decision cleared the way for designer Erik Brunetti, the plaintiff, to finally lock down a trademark for his popular streetwear brand, which he tastefully named FUCT when he founded it back in 1990. It also prompted dozens of people to follow his lead and file some deeply profane trademarks of their own.
Ever since the Supreme Court handed down its decision, the US Patent and Trademark Office has been flooded with requests to slap a TM on all kinds of vulgar slogans and brand names. In other words: It's a new motherfucking era in the wild world of trademarks and patents, bitches—so to celebrate the den of iniquity our formerly square-ass patent office is rapidly spiraling into, we put together a list of all the best shit people are trying to trademark.
As one might expect, the vast majority of these requests are extremely fuck-heavy. Most are pretty straightforward:
But the true gems here are a little more creative. Take, for instance, submissions from these two prospective trademark holders, who both had the same idea for what sounds like a reimagining of the 2007 buddy comedy The Bucket List, but for sex:
Other strong applications came from people who hate very specific things:
Or hate pretty much everything:
Or just really, really love the word fuck:
Things really begin to get interesting once we move outside of the realm of fucks. It is nearly impossible to decipher what a lot of these trademarks could even be used for—and yet, at the same time, I want to invest all the money I have into every single one of these businesses:
Some of the best pending trademarks aren't profane per se. Instead, they just seem vaguely dirty and wrong in a way that is confusing, generally discomforting, and almost definitely inappropriate. Like this one:
And all of these:
Only time will tell if these people actually manage to lock down trademarks for things like "A$$RICH," "FUCK YOU CAT," "Bitchigan," or "Inner Bullshit," and we'll have to wait and see what the hell anyone would even do with them. But amid all the baffling, swear-laden catchphrases submitted to the USPTO, there is one we are all doubtlessly familiar with. To this truly cursed entity, for whom last week's Supreme Court decision was surely a major win, we offer a lukewarm congratulations:
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