we are not men

7.17.14

'Holler if Ya Hear Me' Is a Buzzfeed Listicle on Broadway

Promotional materials for the Broadway musical Holler if Ya Hear Me declare that it is “inspired by the work of Tupac Shakur.” This is not accurate. Holler is not Tupac’s work come to life; it is his work stuffed in a museum. It is TUPAC...

6.13.14

Your Dad Is Disappointed

Fathers see things tattooed deep within, all that is wrong with you. And they see the good, too, things that are subtle, because they are always searching, always trying to find out why you are the way you are.

3.21.14

This American Bro: A Portrait of the Worst Guy Ever

He has existed for as long as there have been gluttonous men dedicating ceremonies to their own existence. The only things that change are the miscellaneous wristbands he wears, and the brand of energy drink on the promotional T-shirt they gave him.

3.12.14

King of New Yawk: Mike Francesa and Loud Noises

Mike Francesa exists to exceed things. He does not “think” or “believe” or “have opinions”; he recites the indisputable principles of Mike Francesa’s universe, of which he is the sole architect. If you told him that there was a Mount Rushmore of radio...

12.18.13

Maurtified

It is a Wednesday night in early December, and I am waiting in the lobby of the Rich Forum Theatre in Stamford, Connecticut, because I am here to see a taping of Maury, because I am an American, and gawking at the calamitous decisions of...

11.15.13

Joe Frazier Is Dead; Long Live Joe Frazier

Frazier believed in a cold pursuit of something; his objective was not to proselytize but to give himself over to the sport. Not to transcend it or to reshape it but to be consumed by it, to thrive within its merciless structure. To beat Ali, he said...

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9.13.13

Look on Mike Tyson, Ye Mighty, and Despair

Mike Tyson is a motherfucker. Mike Tyson is a scientist of pain. Mike Tyson's prefight music is just noise. Mike Tyson is afraid of everything and everything is afraid of Mike Tyson. Mike Tyson is a God.

8.27.13

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

The title of one of Richard La Ruina's e-books is How to Make Your Move With Zero Chance of Rejection. I haven’t read it, though I assume it just contains a list of the trunk dimensions in every car manufactured since 1974.

8.8.13

Scott Disick: American Psycho

We first encountered Scott Disick in 2007, four minutes into the series premiere of Keeping Up with the Kardashians, a show about sunglasses, insincerity, and women exiting sport-utility vehicles. In the vacuum-sealed, deliberately enunciated...

7.19.13

Land of the Free, Home of the Cave

Man caves still exist and civilization is worse off for it. They are the male ethos writ large: no ambitions beyond hiding in a place surrounded by miniscule triumphs and pedestrian hobbies, while females are present only in two dimensions on a...

6.27.13

Standing on Your Lawn Shouting His Own Name

Kanye went from backpacker to Jumbotron rock star to messianic figure. He wanted to get Jay-Z’s attention, then to rise in the sky at Coachella, then to be Steve Jobs. This was his career trajectory. Kanye doesn’t want to take over the world. He wants...

6.13.13

Man Have Sex with Girl in Cave: Dissecting ‘Gigolos’

It is conceivable that, one day, I will meet someone who has walked on another planet. The person will describe for me the cosmic insignificance of our individual lives and how simultaneously splendid and bleak the universe is. I will make a face and...

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