How Old Would You Go?

Courtesy of V Magazine.

Some guys in the office were perving over photos of V Magazine cover-gracing, alabaster-skinned Antipodean Nicole Kidman recently. She exposes her booty on it. Personally, I just thought, “She’s a pretty old chick.” This definitely didn’t bother any of the males in the office, who adhere to the Aaliyah method of dating – “Age ain’t nothin’ but a number.”

She was married at 15 to a much older R. Kelly, so props to her. Most people, no matter what their age, would allow the author of Soulacoaster to touch them with his shitty stick. But, if it wasn’t R. Kelly, what’s the oldest person you’d fuck?

Videos by VICE

VICE: How old would you go?
Mick, 69: I am an old sweetheart, I wouldn’t want a girl older than me.

Why not?
Saggy tits. I like a peach.

Sweet. Are you single?
Divorced. She didn’t like me smoking weed. I don’t smoke too much, a couple a day. I used to work with a lot of West Indian lads, see.

Are you on the look out?
No, I just like being on me own. I’d get someone younger, but they’re all on drugs round here.

But, Mike, you just said you… Nevermind.

Mohinder, 24 (left) and Liz, 22.

Liz: Old men just gross me out.
Mohinder: They have flabby skin.

Could you not just lie back and think of the money (let’s assume that they have loads)?
Liz: I would probably just vomit, like, a granddad on top of you? Ugh. They have liver spots.
Mohinder: Anna-Nicole Smith went out with that old man and he died and left everything to her, I could do that for about a month.
Liz: But isn’t she dead now?

Yes.
Mohinder: Oh.

Dave, 25 (left) and Andrew 28.

Andrew: Oh ancient, I don’t care about age. Age is only a number.
Dave: Yeah, it doesn’t matter.

So how old have you gone?
Andrew: I’ve gone old! When I was 18, I rooted this bird who was 50-something.

Ewwwww. “Rooted”?!
Dave: The oldest I’ve gone is 37 when I was 18.
Andrew: I’d do Madonna you know. Apparently she’s like rooting a piece of gristle though, because she’s so muscly. That’s what Guy Ritchie said.

Any others?
Oprah looks like she needs a dick.

What’s the best thing about older ladies?
Experience, cougars taught me a lot. Older birds are easy as well.

Really?
Yeah, they usually like anal a lot more too.

Hey Ajani, how old would you go?
Ajani, 45: How old are you?

Super-young. I reckon you could be my Dad.
I’d go your age.

You can’t. Do you like older women?
No, I like them about your age.

Have you ever been with an older woman?
I’ve been with many women.

I can imagine.
You’re nice, can I have a kiss?

On the cheek. Actually no.

Thea, 19: It depends what they’re like. What do you class “old” as?

How old have you gone?
24 is the oldest, so it’s not that much of a gap.

A millionare, 60 years of age. Would you?
No. Well, actually if they were a multi-millionaire, then I probably could. But I wouldn’t like it [giggles].

The money would sweeten the deal, though?
Of course it would.

Are there any old celebrities you fancy?
Johnny Depp, but he’s not that old.

He is quite old.
I still would.

Left to right: Peter, 21, Tansey, 22 and James, 22.

James: 27 is my oldest. I hate cougars, they’re sad bitches.
Tansey: Peter’s been out with someone old.

Pray tell, Peter.
Peter: He was not that old, he was like 47.
James: That is old, but he was rich.
Peter: Shut up.

Was he a sugar daddy? Be honest?
Peter: He was rich and he would buy me things but that was not the foundation of our relationship.
Tansey: Liar!
Peter: OK, it was a factor.

OK, if he wasn’t rich, would you still have gone out with him?
Peter: [mega-long pause] No.
James: Hahahahahahaha.
Tansey: You’re such a gold digger. He bought you so much stuff and you didn’t even sleep with him.

How old would you go?
Vincent, 38: Oh, it doesn’t matter as long as they’re fabulous!

Any old dudes you particularly like?
Karl Lagerfeld, Ian McKellan, Elton… They are all fabulous.

You’re fabulous.
I am fucking fabulous.

Previously – Should We Be Allowed to See Prince Harry’s Penis?