Ten Important and Obvious Things You Should Already Know

Hello, I’m Bertie. What’s that? You’ve brought me flowers? Well isn’t that sweet. So, welcome, I guess. This column is basically a place for me to call bullshit on girl related stuff that I think is dumb. While I appreciate the importance of girl talk, I’m not about to braid your pubic hair or send you the results of my latest smear test. Instead, I will pass on any remotely useful knowledge I happen to discover re: being a FEMALE. What does that mean? I don’t know. Basically I’m not into horoscopes but I may implore you to read your future in menstrual blood under a full moon. Trust me: I’m not a doctor, but I do have a Ph.D in pretty girl bullshit.

PRETTY GIRL BULLSHIT #2: JUST MAKING SURE WE’RE “ON THE SAME PAGE”

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I recently read a Yahoo! Answers entry from some poor girl who thought she was pregnant because she gave her boyfriend an HJ in a hot tub. Problem was, the more I read, the more I was sort of, uhm, taken in. “I was afraid,” she wrote, “that the warm environment would nurture the sperms, and they might enter my womb, make it to an ovary and then fertilise it.” Wow. I mean that is stupid. But like. That’s not possible, is it. Obviously. No. Is it? This got me thinking, there’s a lot of really basic stuff pretty girls need to know. So thanks, spermy hot tub girl, this one’s for you.

Basic Fact #1: You Are Probably Not Pregnant Right Now
Yes, we’ve all heard it; girl meets guy, girl sits on guy’s lap for duration of long, hot bus journey, girl has baby on the toilet nine months later. CRINGE. No, but really. You can’t get pregnant if you’re not having sex, OK? Unless you go around collecting sperm in a turkey baster and dousing your intimate regions with it, you’re really, really fine. (BTW, if any of you are doing that turkey baster thing – girl, chill.) More of my friends have gotten pregnant on drunk dates with guys from the internet than they have from sharing sperm-filled hot tubs. If this was really possible, think how many fucking kids Callum Best would have.

Basic Fact #2: Old Guys Are Not Good Boyfriends
Remember when you were 12 and one of your friends was dating an 18-year-old from sixth form and everyone thought that was so totally the coolest? Think about that now. Or maybe don’t, because it’s probably illegal to even think about. Basically, sleeping with a guy ten years your senior is like snogging an eight-year-old. That simile is less effective when used in the reverse order.

Basic Fact #3: Everyone Has Period Sex
Sorry boys, you can stop pretending you find it gross now. Don’t some guys even claim to have a period-dar (lol) so they can smell menstrual blood from a radius of like, seven miles underwater or something? Ew. Anyway this proves that people actively seek out grumpy women for slightly awkward, messy sex. Delicious.

Basic Fact #4: It’s Probably Not Worth It
Oh, for the days when replying with a smiley face to “wil u go out with me” on MSN messenger meant you were in a full-blown relationship. If only finding your soulmate was still as easy as stumbling across the perfect About Me. Ugh. But just a quick heads up, you’re not 14 any more. Unfortunately it’s no longer appropriate to refer to yourself as “in a relationship” after half an hour of direct conversation. Whoever you were making out with at 3AM on somebody’s sofa last weekend probably has really bad banter and really shitty parents. So even though you have actually met IRL, I would recommend not attempting to wifey that one.

Basic Fact #5: Going to Jail Would Suck
Once every eight minutes? Um. That’s, kind of… So possible?

Basic Fact #6: Everyone Knows You’re Hungover
Coming into work on last night’s alcohol high might seem like the most natural thing ever. Unfortunately, your tiny little eyes and Tyskie aroma will definitely betray you. Inducing your boss to sober vomiting via the state of your mouth/ nostrils/ body odour is unikely to win you any sort of bonus or promotion. Unless you already took three days off last week for a “funeral” (LFW), I suggest riding this one out in bed.

Basic Fact #7: You’re Probably Not Gonna Marry This Guy
IKR. Their parents love you. They look unbelievable in a T-shirt. Sometimes you both simultaneously crymax. Seriously though, don’t beat yourself up about marriage right now. Like yeah, you’re great together and stuff, but it’s unlikely that this totally perfect relationship won’t end in an excruciating six months of pain/ Facebook stalking. We should all really stop worrying about “the one”, and start worrying about actually important things like why Tom Jones is on a panel show with Jessie J. And why “scented tampons” exist.

Basic Fact #8: Everyone Gets a Court Summons
No, you’re not special. This is not “hilarious” or bad-ass. Honestly, this isn’t even Facebook status update worthy. Until you have a live bailiff in your front room beating on your flatmates and tearing your laptop out of your hands, I really, really don’t care.

Basic Fact #9: You Probably Shouldn’t Get Naked On the Internet
Unless you’re like, determined to be on the cover of Front before you hit 20, I would seriously recommend NOT letting some guy put topless photos of you online. Close calls have taught me that nothing is more sacred than your own nipples. Your nipples deserve more than being plonked next to an American Apparel ad in the archive of some smutty photographer’s blog. That is obvious. Your nipples rock.

Basic Fact #10: Your Dad Was Right
A cup of tea can cure a broken heart.