The Argument For Nuking Japan

The Japanese are our friends. Or are they? Fact is, we nuked them before – not once, but twice. And in Japan, they have a saying – ‘Nuke me once, shame on you. Nuke me twice – shame on me.’ .

Shame. On. Me. As a culture who believe in the avoidance of shame at all costs, succeeding generations have been born into Japanese society with the shame of nukery worn like a green-glowing birthmark. They’re angry. Make no mistake. In fact they’re pissed. Totally pissed. They just don’t show it very much. Why not? Well in Japan, there is a key cultural distinction between ‘private face’ and ‘public face’. The Japanese don’t see it as hypocritical to hold contrasting opinions in each sphere.

This distinction can be illustrated by the following example:

In the public sphere: We Don’t Want To Nuke The West
In the private sphere: By God We Want To Atomise Those Oval-Eyed Huge-Cocked Fucktards

Fact is that secret nuking ambitions are broiling inside Japanese skins even as you read these lines. Nuking us makes perfect sense to Japanese logic. They need the money. Japanese manufacturing has been in decline for a decade or more – given how competitive hi-tech has become, there simply isn’t enough of an export market for Japanese gizmos since the Koreans, Chinese and Taiwanese moved in. By reducing our cities to smouldering tarry lumps, Japan can boost demand for its products. by sending the Western World back to the Stone Age. We would then have to buy all the accessories they sell over again. First the toasters and motorcycles, then the Casio keyboards, then the Betamax, VHS, and Minidisc, then the Sony Cybershots 1 – 7. This would easily keep Japanese industry ticking over for another 15 years. If war is just diplomacy continued by other means, then this would just be the present trade war continued by other means. Therefore, the only way to outdo them is simply to nuke them back first, and harder…

Look around your local underground missile silo system, and you’ll probably notice that we in the West have an awful lot of nukes. What’s worse is that every single missile you’re looking at there has been nothing but a massive tax-loss for years and years and years. So, what with the reserve bank printing money like toilet paper and the nation practically on its knees giving blowjobs for pennies,, isn’t now the time for Gordon Brown to redeem some of Britain’s sunk costs?

Let’s face it – if there’s one thing that the past 18 months has taught us, it’s that the west is bankrupt. As our own manufacturing base slipped away, we continued to spend money we didn’t have. Now we’re categorically fucked for at least a generation. We were the grasshoppers. They were the ants. We fiddled. Now we’ll burn. Unless we burn them first and take their stuff. Sounds like a plan, no?

In summary, then:

Arguments For
• We haven’t used a nuke in over fifty years. And we need to know if those big-guys still work just in case there’s a real emergency.
• Japan looks really good when it’s on fire.
• Secretly scared of Hello Kitty.
• The 1% who survived would probably breed a new race of radiation-proof humans – just like myxomatosis did with rabbits.
• It’ll be more difficult for them to object to us nuking them after we’ve done it.

Arguments Against
• It’d probably be very loud.