Dumb Football With Mike Tunison, Week 6

There is just so much Dumb Football out there—entire teams full of it. Every once in a while, though, there’s Transcendentally Dumb Football. That’s the gift that Chuck Pagano and the Colts lavished upon the world on Sunday night. They gave us football so dumb, it negated all the dumb football that came before that day, washed it away in a cleansing tide of duh. It made the entire sport a little more dumb, and all of us dumber for having watched it. Our imaginations were stoked by the possibility of what stupidity could do. It showed us how to dream new and more idiotic dreams.

Trailing by one score late in the third quarter, Indianapolis was set to punt from its own 37-yard line. Instead of a conventional punt formation, the Colts instead lined up in an illegal formation that had most of its 11 players to the right of the field. Receiver Griff Whalen and safety Colt Anderson remained in the center of the field to make a snap. The unorthodox formation dismayed Patriots defenders for a few seconds before most of them realized they could simply overwhelm Anderson and Whalen before the two could do anything. Then they did.

Read More: Was This Colts Fake Punt Play The Greatest in NFL History? A Vice Sports Non-Debate

Until the ball was snapped, this wasn’t out of the ordinary for the type of desperate brinksmanship that coaches sometimes engage in. Once or twice a game, you will see an otherwise conservative coach line up his players in a seemingly bold move, only for the players to sit there until the play clock expires or a timeout is called. Once in a blue moon, it works and a defender jumps offside or something. It did not work here. The Patriots quickly gathered themselves, disciplined and ready.

Then the Colts snapped the ball. It was an uneasy snap by Whalen coupled with a perfunctory effort at performing an impossible job, specifically blocking four guys at once. Anderson was summarily clobbered by a group of Patriots defenders; a football novice watching the play would have assumed that Anderson had wronged his head coach in the days before the game and was now receiving code-red retribution from the sideline. That or it was some sort of hazing ritual. New England scored another touchdown and never looked back.

Admittedly, the rest of the game was a blur, probably as much for the players as it was for the viewers. All anyone wanted to know was what the hell the Colts and Chuck Pagano were possibly thinking by snapping that ball. Pagano put the blame on himself, as he must without wanting to be fired on the spot, for what was apparently a miscommunication.

The good news: they vote. — Photo by Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

“We started working on it last year and we put it back in this year,” punter Pat McAfee explained after the game. “It’s a play where you try to take advantage of numbers. You try to confuse the defense and hopefully get an edge numbers wise. The look was not there that we normally have in practice where it’s a go. There must have been some miscommunication between the snapper and Colt and it turned out to be one of the most failed fakes probably of all time. It’s one of those things where you work, you hope you get the numbers; we didn’t get the numbers. It was just a miscommunication. As you said, it was just not good.”

That kind of miscommunication isn’t just a dumb mistake; it’s the dumb mistake of not covering for all contingencies in that critical situation. This wasn’t something the Colts tried on a whim. They had practiced this play and knew what they wanted to see from the defense before trying it. It’s on Pagano for not making it clear what to do when that look wasn’t there. But if he has to shoulder the blame, he deserves credit, too, for a play that will live forever in Dumb Football lore.

No One Understands What Constitutes a Football Catch, and We Now Know Even Less Than We Did Before

Each week brings a fresh reminder that the NFL can’t define a football catch—or, at the very least, it has an extremely exacting standard for receivers who happen to be going to the ground as they catch a pass. Usually, this failure manifests in the form of a catch being taken away from a frustrated receiver. Yesterday’s clusterfuck in Detroit was a little different. At the end of the first half, Lions receiver Golden Tate briefly caught a pass in the end zone before the ball was dislodged and caught by a Bears defender for what was initially ruled a turnover. This time, the referees reviewed the play and ruled that Tate controlled the ball long enough for it to be a score.

In a vacuum, that’s a questionable, if at least understandable, conclusion. The problem is, if Tate were to fall to the ground and lose the ball after taking three steps instead of coughing it up while still upright, it would have been ruled not a catch. It’s a dumb standard that the NFL is content to tweak without ever sincerely attempting to fix. This is the NFL’s approach to pretty much all problems, but it looked especially goofy here.

In Which the World Continues to Struggle with the Concept of Peyton Manning Being a Game Manager

The Broncos remain undefeated after eking out an overtime victory in Cleveland. It’s not easy to get used to seeing famed Jeb Bush supporter and Papa John’s foil Peyton Manning getting outplayed by Josh McCown, though that’s the world we live in today. Broncos running back Ronnie Hillman still has Pey-Pey’s back, as does every TV announcer who, upon seeing Peyton complete a pass, testily reminds viewers that Peyton is the greatest ever and there’s no place for haters on this train. The Peyton Manning of 2015 isn’t terrible, mind you. He’s just not what he was; he is, at this point, just not capable of carrying a team to a second-round playoff exit mostly on his own. For some, that’s hard to understand. That’s fine. There are still 10 more games left in which to watch the Broncos defense doing all the work—plenty of time for it to register.

The Seahawks Struggle to Hold a Lead

That’s one sexy smolder during a fourth-quarter meltdown, Richard Sherman. It was easy to explain away the issues with Seattle’s defense while Kam Chancellor was holding out. Now it’s a full-on problem, and the Seahawks’ margin of error for the remainder of the season gets thinner by the week. This is not a team that traditionally plays well on the road. With four losses already under their belt, the Seahawks may have already seen home-field advantage throughout the playoffs go by the boards. That’s assuming they can even turn things around sufficiently to get there. It looks that bad.

Julian Edelman Struggles to Hold Anything

Patriots receiver Julian Edelman looks to be developing a classic NFL snaggle finger that could be the envy of even Torry Holt. After taking a hit to his pinkie against the Colts, Edelman had problems securing the ball the rest of the night, resulting in a pass deflecting off his hands and into the arms of a Colts defender. That was the first interception of the season for Tom Brady, who may have to take the NFL to court for official acknowledgment that the INT isn’t his fault.

Cameron Heyward Still Honoring His Dead Dad in Defiance of the NFL

Steelers defensive end Cameron Heyward was fined $11,567 last week for paying tribute on his eyeblack to his father, former NFL star Craig “Ironhead” Heyward, who died of cancer in 2006. This was just days after it was reported that the NFL told running back DeAngelo Williams that he couldn’t continue to wear pink after October to honor his mother and aunts who died of breast cancer. Defiant, Heyward still had the message on his eyeblack this week, meaning the NFL will make the uncomfortable—and, to them and no one else, necessary—decision to fine Heyward again. The more zealous defenders of The Shield maintain that Heyward should even be suspended for his stubborn unwillingness to stop remembering his dead father.

NFL: Please Don’t Turn Hypocycloids Into Pot Leaves

The NFL has been working hard to protect its copyrights of late. The league made waves last week by cracking down on several popular websites circulating GIFs and Vines of game footage. Getting a little less attention was the NFL cracking down on a Pittsburgh pro-marijuana group that has been using a hugely dank logo inspired by that of the Steelers. Le’Veon Bell had no comment.

Welcome to FanDuelVille

A Jaguars loss is hardly remarkable or surprising, so instead I choose to focus on my discovery that the team has named the north end zone deck of its stadium “FanDuelVille.” This might be the most depressing corporate sponsorship in any NFL stadium, and there is a lot of competition. In the meantime, FanDuel is encouraging its users to hector lawmakers via a petition on its website that brands fantasy sports as “fundamentally a test of knowledge.” Whether that means proprietary insider knowledge not known by the public is unclear.

Joe Flacco Plays 500

The Ravens season continues to be a lost cause, with Sunday marking arguably the lowest point yet. Baltimore traveled to San Francisco to play the nearly equally hapless 49ers for the first time since the teams met in the Super Bowl three seasons ago. Obviously, due to the Niners organizational implosion, this wasn’t another HarBowl. Joe Flacco did, however, get to see Anquan Boldin and Torrey Smith, the two receivers who started for Baltimore when it won Super Bowl XLVII, perform well for the other team. Perhaps Flacco thought, “Hey, all my targets left for the 49ers. Maybe I secretly play for the Niners and just don’t know it. Let’s loft an armpunt to them just to be sure.”

Laughing at A-Rod, Now Available for Football Fans

Rare is the chance that football fans get to share in the joy of laughing at Alex Rodriguez. In the past, the only time that was possible in a football context was when he would show up to watch a game in Dallas. Thankfully, FOX decided to invite A-Rod to join the pregame studio crew on Sunday morning, and the result was one overthrown Jay Glazer and one robustly destroyed video panel. In the spirit of fairness, I will note that it was actually a pretty good throw and would have been caught were it intended for someone taller than Glazer—Bob Costas, say, or Zooey Deschanel. We do not need to make our enjoyment of this contingent on A-Rod’s failure. I’m fine with him just being involved with ridiculous happenings.

Where There’s Dumb Football, There’s Also “Bullshit Football”

Understandably, Titans coach Ken Whisenhunt was none too pleased with a low hit on quarterback Marcus Mariota in the first half of his team’s loss to Miami. Dolphins defensive end Olivier Vernon rolled up Mariota’s leg low and from behind, causing a brief scare for the rookie quarterback, who returned to the game shortly thereafter. Whisenhunt made his displeasure evident after the game, saying he believed it was an intentional effort to injure Mariota before calling it “bullshit football.” We are honored, as ever, to count Ken Whisenhunt as a reader.

When you are an emotionally mature pet owner and unafraid to express your feelings in public. — Photo by Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

Fan of the Week

Thursday night’s game wasn’t just noteworthy for the Falcons’ first loss of the season and a punt block that echoed Steve Gleason’s famous post-Katrina block. There was a cat fan in the Superdome! Already dubbed Who Dat Cat by the Internet, Zoey, a two-year-old Calico and a real cat, was allowed inside the arena as a service animal providing stress relief to her owner, Randy Pumilia. And why not? Rivalry games are stressful.

Society can be harsh in its judgment of male cat owners—slings and arrows not unfamiliar to this writer—but you can’t argue with the results. This was the first game Zoey attended, and it wound up being a critical win for the Saints. So long as the cat continues to be a good luck charm, her owner will escape being branded as a hopelessly anxious introvert.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Cameron Wake

2. Chris Ivory

3. Martavis Bryant

4. Greg Olsen

5. Philip Rivers, despite the whole losing thing

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Chuck Pagano

2. Shareece Wright

3. Levi’s Stadium turf

4. Those who bet the under on Al Michaels mentioning Deflategate

5. Kirk Cousins

As For Tonight…

If speculating NFL insiders are to be believed, Chip Kelly is liable to be distracted during tonight’s game by USC officials coquettishly waving a handkerchief in his direction from the stands. The Eagles early season struggles have led to a drumbeat of Chip-back-to-college rumors, though a victory over the Giants can place Philly back atop the deeply flawed NFC East. Of course, the Eagles have already lost the two division games they’ve played so far in 2015, so perhaps that is easier said than done.

Eli Manning is off to a very good start in 2015. Sam Bradford is not, and on Monday night he gets to go against a defense coached by Steve Spagnuolo, the guy who was coaching the Rams when St. Louis made the delightful and not at all regrettable decision to take Bradford with the first overall pick in the draft. While Bradford’s numbers in 2015 have been middling, he has been playing much better in the second half of games. His rating in the second half this year is 102.0 compared with 65.6 to start games. While the obvious answer to Bradford’s struggles, to the point of being glib, is “Please do better early in games,” I’m willing to concede it might be a little more complicated than that.

For all the questions about Philadelphia living up to expectations on the field, their locker room emoji game is as strong as any.

That’s a start.