EATS, SHOOTS, AND PEES

Baywatch Baywatch Something’s Got to Give

Noon: Down by the beach in Santa Monica we spot a photo shoot with a star van, which is a sign that someone famous might be there.

12:15 PM: Waiting for someone to come out of the van, Chris introduces me to his little black book, which is more like a big black folder that contains all the addresses of all the stars in Los Angeles. I ask why Zooey Deschanel is highlighted. Chris doesn’t know but he had a dream about her, James Woods, and Gary Busey, who I myself have had long, torturous nightmares about after Celebrity Rehab the other night. In Chris’s dream he was taking a picture of them, when suddenly all his paparazzi friends came and told him to “Get off it,” which in pap lingo means, “Fuck you, this celeb is mine,” or something.

12:30 PM: A guy finally comes out of the van but he’s not famous. 1:00 PM: We start the car and Chris explains that the company he works for was founded by two British guys who came to LA 15 years ago and basically made money just by reading the Hollywood Reporter and selling the stories to England. The internet wasn’t really up and running back then. 1:30 PM: We drive through Brentwood. Chris’s regular route goes from Santa Monica to Brentwood to Hollywood and sometimes Los Feliz and back again, unless one of his tipsters calls. His tipsters are usually valet guys, airport staff, and tabloid girls.

2:00 PM: For a second we think we see Uma Thurman on Rodeo Drive but it’s not her. I start to worry what will happen if we don’t see any celebrities but Chris assures me that all magazines are twats and that you can sell photos without even seeing famous people. Last week when he went to an LA Galaxy game, he took pictures of fans posing with a David Beckham cardboard figure and sold them. He also sold a picture to Germany for €2,000 of a billboard with Jennifer Aniston advertising for Smartwater, which is just plain retarded.

2:30 PM: We gangbang Statham at Café Med. Gangbanging means that Chris isn’t the only one taking pictures of him–some other paps are waiting by the café. It’s only semi-action-filled and the pictures are not that interesting. Statham is just walking into the café with a brunette. I can’t imagine that the pictures can sell but again Chris reassures me that all magazines are twats and that either it’s going be a “Mystery Brunette” story or it will end up in one of those “the stars are just like us: they have arms” pages. Basically, you can sell anything with a famous face on it.

2:45 PM: We drive around Café Med and see Adrien Garnier from

Entourage eating lunch, which is probably why the other paps were here in the first place. Chris snaps photos of him from the car. A little further down Sunset, we spot the Entourage set.

3:00 PM: Disguised as a tourist who’s holding his girlfriend’s beach bag, Chris stands on Sunset waiting for Adrian Grenier to walk from the restaurant to the set.

4:00 PM: I have to pee so we stop our celebrity search so I can use the restroom. I’m starting to feel a little carsick from all the driving around.