Gays or Girls?

Photos by James Stafford
 

Men have simple sexual needs. They want to cum. That’s about it. They might sometimes cum in ways that they think are inventive, like on your face or your tits, but it all comes down to the same end: a squirt of some white ropy stuff followed by a brief Xanax-y stupor. After about 20,000 orgasms, most men start to wonder, “Is that all there is to this cumming thing?” They get bored with orgasms.

Men in Middle America are suffering uninspired blowjobs from girlfriends on a daily basis. Is it any wonder a growing number of guys are thinking that maybe the best way to wrestle themselves out of their carnal torpor would be to try a blowjob from a bona fide homosexual? After all, every gay man they’ve ever met has told them a queer blowjob is so much more exciting and enjoyable than a boring woman blowjob. “Nobody knows how to make a penis happy like a person who owns a penis of their own!” (That’s what gay guys say to get straight penises in their mouths.)

But remember this: Most “bi-curious” men aren’t thinking about how delicious it might feel to have another man’s dick buried in their ass. They’re just thinking about how the inside of a dude’s mouth is technically the same as a woman’s, especially if you’re drunk. Especially especially if you’re drunk, ugly, and lonely. Bi-sexuality, quite simply, doubles your chances. It’s the refuge of the pathetically horny.

New statistics from Italy say that, weekly, one gay man sucks more dicks than 12.7 women. Can you say, “Man alive!”? Who’s receiving all these BJs from gay men? Not just other gay men—there aren’t enough of those around for 13 (I rounded up) times more head sessions than girls perform a week. Especially in Italy—those sluts suck dick as casually as our women choke down Apple Martinis. There is only one answer: Straight guys are getting their joints coughed by benders with reckless abandon.

The only question left to ask is, “Who’s better at it?” Do we have to go gay to get the best head? To find out, we got a gay man and a straight man to get blowjobs from a gay man and a straight woman. We blindfolded both of our suckees and built a glory hole. Then we sat back and basked in the heady milieu of the most erotic and revealing experiment ever conducted in the name of sensual truth.
 

Suckee One
Rick is a 24-year-old Londoner with an eight-and-a-half-inch cock. He works as a gay male escort.

“The greatest blowjob I ever had was from a client a few weeks ago,” he told us nervously.

“It lasted for about 15 minutes, and it was mind blowing. I’ve not taken part in anything involving a so-called ‘glory hole’ before, but I’m looking forward to it immensely.” Suckee Two
Sam is a 20-year-old model from London. He’s straight. This will be the first time ever that another man will touch Sam’s thing. Sucker One
Avalon is a 26-year-old who’s worked in the adult film industry since she moved to London from Malaysia in her teens.

She prepared to give head by sucking on a menthol lozenge, which she always brings to blowjob shoots because they numb the throat and the menthol tickles the recipient’s glans, thus enhancing his pleasure. (Oooh-kaye.) Sucker Two
Daniel is a poet from France who was extremely confident that he’d win the challenge. He even invoked the old “men know what other men want” chestnut. We pointed out that with that reasoning, there would be no war, politics, or conflict, and no babies born ever again, but Daniel maintained his sangfroid.

THE RULES
The safeguards were made to prevent giving the suckees a clue to the sucker’s gender.

Our female sucker was given orders not to make any erotic moaning noises and to keep her expensively painted and lengthy fingernails away from the shafts. Ewww.

Our male sucker had his face freshly shaved and was not allowed to whimper things like, “Ooh, your cock is divine” in his manly French baritone. Again: Ewww. Round One Round Two