PRESENTING DESTINY’S PRESENT

Let’s go on a journey to a world where Brazilian waxes are always in vogue. A world where the longer the nails, the sexier the silhouette. A world where glamor and Lucite heels go hand in hand. A world of hi-cut neoprene fantasy where every outfit comes with a matching thong. This magical neon fairyland exists on eBay, and is brought to us from what I can only imagine is a stunning ranch style home deep in the heart of Texas.

Welcome to Destiny’s Present, the most glamorous of all eBay stores. As easy as it is to poke fun at the spherical breasts, the flashes of freshly waxed pelvis, and the intense camel toe, I have to admit I have an intense attraction to many items instore. The first reaction when coming across one of the Destiny auctions is a gasp, then a giggle, then the inevitable, “Wait, I think I kind of want to own this” moment creeps up. Suddenly, you are considering spending $65 on a fuchsia Body Glove front lace bikini.

If the thought of owning an item kissed by the Destiny’s Present proprietor’s (probably) much broken-in vagina gives you the shivers, she makes it very clear that all items are laundered after modeling. She also has a very compelling message for non-payers: “I was in law enforcement 19 years—I put buyers like you behind bars—stealing is against the law yes even on eBay!” That’s right, she’s a former cop turned bikini hoarder, what’s not to love? She is also a talented scribe, giving us a variety of uses for items like this neon pink Fredericks of Hollywood stirrup catsuit, which is apparently perfect for such wholesome activities as ice skating and hitting the gym.

This stunning American Rebel one-piece is perfect for all your 4th of July BBQ needs, but also for anyone who wants to look “sexy, hot, & classy.”

Another extraordinarily enticing piece is the mesh cutout. It pretty much speaks for itself. Her modeling skills are, in a word, hypnotic.

BEVERLY HAMES