Here’s what happens when wives finally get rid of all their husband’s friends and Dad’s got fuck all else to do with himself apart from obsessing about the integrity of his daughter’s vagina. Purity Balls are a Baptist celebration where the daughter presents her father with a key, representing her locked-up, untouched purity. When the girl has found a suitor, the father gives her fiancé the keys to the cooch, not unlike a car salesman…

The invitations extend to girls age 10 and up. We guess that means part of the ball involves explaining to the girls what exactly it is they aren’t supposed to be doing. Also, it’s nice that nobody involved considered the implications of making it Dad’s perogative to “unlock” his daughter’s sexuality.

If anyone should own your vagina, shouldn’t it be your mom? She pushed you out of hers after all. Why not have a Mother-Daughter Hymen Hoe-down? Highlights of the evening could include a stretch-mark beauty pageant, line dancing, a vaginal tear seminar, a baby-crowning video montage, and a hog-tie-your-virginity competition with greased pigs taking the place of their virginity. You’d be hard pressed to find a girl with any plans to part with her greased pig after that sort of fun.

DOM TUNON