This Week in Food Porn: Cat Doughnuts and Algae Milkshakes

Pull up a pitta and let your hot sauce down: it’s food porn o’clock.

That’s right, we can all stop reading A Brief History of Time, building bomb shelters, and finding a cure for scoliosis, for this is that lazy hour in which we shall delight with the best food photos scooped, slopped, and slid onto Instagram this week.

Let your spork hang loose and enjoy.

I may have missed my mother’s birthday, I may have misspelled my own name on a postcard and I may have failed to put a bra on since Tuesday but, my friends, I remembered #NationalGrilledCheeseDay. Oh OK, I didn’t because it’s probably made up, but I do highly approve of a traditional carb ‘n’ fat-based Latin dish getting merrily thwacked into a corn straitjacket. Because I’m a monster.

My friend Steve from Huddersfield once told me that a “fruit salad” is what he and his friends called the “display” when they pushed their genitals up against a plate glass window on the highstreet. Yum.

As a 31-year-old woman with a IUD contraceptive coil may I just say that “egg” and “rustic” hold a somewhat inexplicable joy for me. And “£1.10 for six” is exactly what I shall call my firstborn.

Oh God, I just love that first rush of blue-green algae powder as it hits your tongue, don’t you? Not to mention thick, chilled coconut milk. Mmm. Delicious.

That is a lot of blue cheese, is it not? I mean, that’s quite the eiger of blue mould and white fat. Godspeed you leeky champions.

It was a spring day, a day, a day for a lay when the air Smelled like a locker-room, a day to blow or get blown. Returning from lunch I turned my corner and there On a near-by stoop I saw him standing alone.

Well hung, slung from the fork of the muscular legs, The firm vase of his sperm, like a bulging pear, Cradling its handsome glands, two herculean eggs, Swung as he came towards me, shameless, bare.

Thanks Auden, you filthy animal.

Nothing—and I mean nothing on this earth—finishes a delicious lunch like losing a filling to a wholly unexpected and uninvited block of Lego. Lego. As in, the toy Lego. Gastro-tisans, look upon ye deeds and weep.

My friends, I hold here, in my mortal hand, a nugget of purest green.

I hate to sound like a fart-lighting sister of the no-razor brigade but honestly, you can have too much sweetness, surely? I mean, doughnuts? Fine. Sugar? Fine. Pets? Fine—if you want your face to be eaten should you accidentally trip and break your neck. But do we really have to make biscuits exta cute? Can’t they just be, you know, biscuity?

Ah, that’s more like it. A dimly lit, plastic-hugged high protein meal for one. Power lift my heart to the skies, you muscle-clumped hero.