Transcript of a Coalition Cabinet Policy Discussion

Original image by Flickr user chelmsfordpubliclibrary

Over the weekend, a document appeared in our inbox reading “HotPixXXX.doc”. Naturally, we opened it and discovered a leaked transcript of an Abbott cabinet meeting from late last week. We present it here in its full, unedited version.

Cabinet meeting. Present: Tony Abbott (Prime Minister, Minister for Women), Warren Truss (Deputy Prime Minister), George Brandis (Attorney-General), Julie Bishop (Minister for Foreign Affairs), Malcolm Turnbull (Minister for Communication), Joe Hockey (Treasurer), Christopher Pyne (Minister for Education), Greg Hunt (Minister for the Environment), Mathias Cormann (Finance Minister), Eric Abetz (Minister for Employment).

Abbott: Good afternoon everyone. Quite a lot on the agenda today. We’ll move quickly, I’m sure you all have cycling marathons to get to.

Everyone murmurs in agreement, looking nervously at one another.

Abbott: Since our last meeting where we decided to bomb someone, I’ve decided on ISIS. I’m sorry, I know some of you had your hearts set on France, and George, you were quite keen to target Clive Palmer’s dinosaur theme park.

Brandis: Only for the sake of historical accuracy.

Abbott: ISIS is the biggest threat facing freedom today, and only by wiping them out can we ensure a power vacuum that will be filled by a fully-functioning democratic structure after we go home probably. The only thing now is to get the Opposition to agree to it. I’ll set up a phone call with… uh… whatsisname. The Leader guy. Anyone? Come on, people.

Turnbull: Hang on, I’ll Alta-Vista it.

Hunt: Prime Minister, while Malcolm’s looking that up, I’ve been getting a lot of complaints from people who are accusing us of being climate change deniers.

Abbott: But I’ve told everyone I’m an environmentalist.

Hunt: Yeah, but they find that hard to parse with the abolition of the Climate Commission, the attempts to abolish the Clean Energy Finance Corporation and the Renewable Energy Agency, our attempts to destroy the Great Barrier Reef and attempts to de-list the Tasmanian World Heritage forests.

Abbott: What do you suggest?

Hunt: I’ve come up with a slogan: “3 percent of scientists can’t be wrong!”

Abbott: Keep working on that.

Turnbull: Urgh, this internet is so slow. No, hang on, this is a piece of wood. Who’s seen my iPad?

Brandis: Sorry, over here. I was just looking for your metadata folder.

Abbott: Anyone else?

Bishop: We’re getting a lot of heat for today’s decision about women in burqas visiting Parliament House. Apparently some people are finding a disparity between your call for equality and tolerance, and this new thing where we put Muslim women in glass boxes.

Pyne: Who’s complaining? The usual lefty scum, no doubt.

Bishop: Sky’s Chris Kenny, The Australian’s Sharri Markson and Andrew Bolt.

Pyne: Socialists.

Abbott: This could be a problem. But it’s easy to criticise. I mean, can anyone think of an alternative for putting Muslim women in a big glass cage?

The room goes quiet as everyone thinks.

Bishop: What about not putting Muslim women in a big glass cage?

Pyne: OH! I was going to say that! Sir, I was going to say that first!

Abbott: It’s bold, but it could work. So, like a Perspex cage?

Bishop: We could try letting them interact with the general public.

Abbott: Could be risky. George, any precedence for this?

Brandis: None that I can think of. But we need a solution fast: Parliament House is inundated with hundreds of women in burqas with potentially nefarious intentions on a daily basis, I assume. I mean, why else would we be rushing to deal with the problem unless it actually existed?

Abbott: Right, we’ll repeal it. Someone break the news to Cory when he gets back from that Turkish bath house.

Corman: Prime Minister, we’re getting some mixed messages about the budget.

Hockey: No we’re not. Maybe a few. Actually a lot. I haven’t seen any.

Corman: We’ve made a big deal about there being a budget emergency, but on Q&A the other night, Christopher said there’s no economic crisis

Hockey: That’s true. Massive budget emergency. No economic crisis.

Abbott: How does that work?

Hockey: Well, we have to cut funding to healthcare because there’s a budget emergency. But we can put a quarter of a billion dollars into the school chaplain program because there’s no economic crisis.

Cormann: Well, we’ve said we need to cut funding to the ABC, including moving Classic FM to digital radio where none of the octogenarians who listen to it will be able to find it. But George Brandis just awarded $275 000 to classical record company Melba Recording, despite there being no funding round or open application process.

Hockey: What’s the problem?

Cormann: It seems a bit… contradictory.

Hockey: Yes, I don’t think it does. No.

Cormann: What?

Hockey: When?

Cormann: But in the midst of all these cuts, we’re about to spend half a billion per year on fighting this war against ISIS on the other side of the world.

Hockey: And?

Cormann: So – and I’m just playing devil’s advocate here – we can find the money when we choose to fight a war, but can’t find it when it comes to healthcare, education, employment, the arts?

Hockey: Yes.

Abbott: That’s all fine, but you’re going to need a better excuse.

Hockey: Fine. I’ll go have a quiet think. (Exits, pursued by bear market.)

Turnbull: Anyone know Kevin’s password?

Abetz: I think it’s JG[expletive deleted]unt.

Turnbull: Ta.

Truss: Prime Minister, we’re also getting—

Abbott: Oh, hello Warren! I didn’t see you there. Haha.

Truss: Yes. We’re also getting—

Pyne: I didn’t see you there either!

Truss: We’re getting some troubling reports about abuse of asylum seekers at the detention centre on Nauru.

Abbott: So I hear. All right, I’m afraid we don’t have a choice: summon Scott Morrison.

Some of the cabinet members sink into their seats. A metal door in the corner of the room is unlocked, and two men in white coats wheel Scott Morrison in. His mask is removed using a long pole.

Morrison: MORRISON HUNGRY.

Abbott: Scott, could you give us an update on the asylum seeker situation?

Morrison: TELLING WOULD HELP PEOPLE SMUGGLERS.

Abbott: Scott, I’m the Prime Minister, not the press.

Morrison: YOU MIGHT BE IN DISGUISE. MORRISON TAKE NO CHANCES.

Abbott: We’re hearing that women and children are being sexually abused by guards at Nauru.

Morrison: THAT HORRIBLE. WHO WOULD REPORT SUCH A THING?

Abbott: The ABC. Malc?

Turnbull: I’m on it.

Malcolm Turnbull begins tearing up giant ABC cheques.

Morrison: THAT TAKE CARE OF THAT.

Abbott: But the story is still out there. You need to turn this around, Scott.

Morrison: MORRISON THINK BETTER ON FULL STOMACH.

An impala carcass is tossed in Scott Morrison’s direction, is promptly eaten.

Morrison: WHAT IF MORRISON SAY SOMETHING LIKE “I have been provided with reports indicating that staff of service providers at the Nauru centre have been allegedly engaged in a broader campaign with external advocates to seek to cast doubt on the Government’s border protection policies more generally and that also cast some doubt on the integrity of previous allegations”. THAT CHANGE STORY, CAST DOUBT ON INTEGRITY OF CLAIMS.

Bishop: (whispering) He’s a monster.

Abbott: Hm, that could work.

Brandis: It might backfire. Does anyone remember children overboard?

General murmurs and head shaking. No one does.

Abbott: Malc, look up “children overboard”.

Turnbill: Wait, you want me to do two things at once? I’ve only got the one AOL disc.

Abbott: Enough of your nonsensical technobabble.

Turnbull: Okay, I think I’ve got it. The Opposition Leader is Will Shortz. Hey, according to this he’s moonlighting as the crossword editor for the New York Times!

Abbott: I don’t know what that is, but I’m sure we can use that against him.

At this point, Scott Morrison breaks free of his constraints and bites off Christopher Pyne’s head. The meeting is adjourned.

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