Everyone is currently talking about "big dick energy". Ariana Grande quite possibly tweeted about Pete Davidson having a ten-inch dick, someone else said he had "big dick energy", and now it’s a thing. These are the times we live in. But what, really, is it?
For someone reading the words for the first time, it may seem confusing. But understanding BDE is actually very simple and intuitive.
Big dick energy is not mere confidence – though a true big dick energy-haver is usually quietly confident – nor is it overcompensating. It's a self-assurance that radiates from deep within and can be felt for miles. It's an energy that immediately shifts the dynamic of a room. It is not actively seeking out debauchery or pleasure, but having it gravitate towards you. Big dick energy, as the best sexter I know put it to me last night, is inadvertently seeing yourself in the front-facing camera on your phone and not immediately wanting to die.
Crucially, the dick itself is completely meaningless to big dick energy. It's absolutely nothing to do with dicks or their size. People with big dicks can often be totally devoid of big dick energy (in fact, the owner of the Biggest Dick I've Ever Seen™ has less big dick energy than my dead grandmother, RIP). Conversely, I have slept with people without dicks who have more big dick energy than a million sad boys with "I Should Live in Salt" as their Tinder profile songs put together. Big dick energy does not care for your pathetic gender binary and will not pander to it.
Many names have been thrown around in an attempt to qualify BDE: Crash Bandicoot (true); Damon Albarn (extremely false); Waluigi (false, but he does fuck). It's carnage. Nobody knows what’s going on, and it is clear we need a taxonomy of big dick energy.
Fortunately, I am a tireless big dick energy campaigner who lives to serve. So without further ado, let us identify the big dick energy havers and havers-not.
THE NON BIG DICK ENERGY HAVERS
EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER FROM THE MARVEL CINEMATIC UNIVERSE, EXCEPT FOR: THE SEXY VILLAIN IN ANT MAN WHO I REALLY WANT TO SHAG
I know you're all thinking it: "Captain America fucks. Iron Man has big dick energy." And, on paper, it makes sense. They are large boys. They are handsome boys. They take part in extended fight scenes in which they throw themselves and others around with a high level of enthusiasm.
Unfortunately, none of these people have big dick energy, because all traditional forms of hyper-masculinity and bravado belie an underlying sense of insecurity that is inherently antithetic to BDE. Chris Hemsworth wielding a ludicrously big hammer with arms the size of cows and yelling a lot? Feeble big dick energy. Cate Blanchett simply standing there smirking, but, like, only using her eyes somehow? Powerful, powerful big dick energy.
BORING HANDSOME MEN
In the pub the other day, I tried to explain to a group of straight men exactly who is and isn’t "daddy", and all they could do was list reams and reams of men with a classic case of the good looks. Ronaldo. Brad Pitt. George Clooney. David Beckham. Men who have done campaigns for underwear and appeared on the cover of GQ alongside words like "SWAGGER" and "KING".
Not only are these men definitively not daddy, they also do not have big dick energy. They are too smooth. They are too clean. They do not possess the swirling fuck chaos of the real big dick energy-haver. They look like they smell of Davidoff Cool Water. Nobody with big dick energy would ever smell like Davidoff Cool Water.
INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL HOLLYWOOD STARS WHO ATTEMPT TO APPEAR QUIRKY BUT ARE STAGE-MANAGED TO WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES
Indulging in medium to large behaviour at awards ceremonies may, to the untrained eye, appear to be something that someone with big dick energy might do. Pranks. Jokes. Stupid answers to po-faced interview questions. Failing to treat the confines of the entertainment industry with the respect expected of a Hollywood star. Again, on paper: big dick behaviour.
Sadly, Jennifer Lawrence, pretending you really love pizza and falling up some stairs does not a big dick energy make.
KEEN FANS OF WRESTLING
Wrestlers? Unhinged. Ludicrous. Big dick energy all over the shop. Anyone who watches the wrestling and then tweets about it as if they too possess this power? No energy whatsoever. Devoid of dick.
ANY MEMBER OF THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY
In fact, I think we can just go ahead and confirm that zero politicians have big dick energy, with the possible exception of Ed Balls.
THE BIG DICK ENERGY HAVERS
THE TASMANIAN DEVIL FROM LOONEY TUNES
Look, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry to have to do this. But the Tasmanian Devil from Looney Tunes absolutely has big dick energy, and there is nothing you can say to me to change my mind.
If we’re defining big dick energy as essentially a chaotic whirlwind of fuck-energy – which we are – then Taz is fucking nailing it. He literally moves from place to place via a tornado of his own making. He destroys rocks and walls by ploughing straight through them. Yes, he has that weird slobbery laugh which somehow evokes a man who’s never gone down on a woman before, but still you cannot deny his big dick power.
Lindsay Lohan looking Oprah in the eye and saying she "only did cocaine ten to 15 times": big, big dick energy. Lindsay Lohan writing "fuck you" on her nails in court? Bigger. Bigger dick energy. Lindsay Lohan calling Paris Hilton a cunt to paparazzi and then *immediately* denying she ever said it? HUGE. BULGING. DICK ENERGY.
Bob Ross does not have the fierce magnetism of many big dick energy havers. But you cannot deny that the man has a gentle confidence that speaks to the largest kind of dick.
That voice! The way he pats the brush on the palette to make sure the paint is evenly distributed throughout the bristles! Bob Ross's big dick energy is tender and rare and precious. It is the ideological inverse of Short Man syndrome. It doesn't assert or draw attention to itself, it simply: is.
VARIOUS VIDEO GAME WOMEN, INCLUDING BELLA GOTH FROM THE SIMS AND CARMEN SANDIEGO FROM WHERE IN THE WORLD IS CARMEN SANDIEGO
Early prototypes of the "big titty goth girlfriend" category, every single member of which has big dick energy.
OSCAR THE GROUCH
Big dick energy, though largely objective, does have subjective elements. For one of my friends, a woman far more adult than me, big dick energy is "someone who can confidently draw a map on the back of a napkin". I, on the other hand, do not care about either napkins or maps, and the biggest, daddiest dick-haver could not touch me with even the most exquisitely drawn directions. It's why CityMapper exists, idiot. Another friend (male, bisexual), says that – for him – big dick energy is personified by someone "quiet" who would "still happily and enjoyably turn my spine into pâté". Life’s rich tapestry.
So it may say speak to my own personal taste in men, rather than a universal principle, that Oscar the Grouch, a creature who lives in a bin, exudes big dick energy. Is this why my type seems to be "people who change their sheets once every two months"? Who could say? Other than me, the person who keeps doing it.
Anyway: bin me, daddy.
Rihanna has the biggest dick in the world. Goodbye.