Hey Page Six, Leave Alberta Alone!

Update: Since the publication of this story a spokesperson for the Jasper Park Lodge said the couple is not currently booked for a stay. That said, if the royal couple still want to go muddin' they're welcome to holla at their boi Mack.

It turns out that Meghan Markle and her husband, Prince Harry, are reportedly going to spend their honeymoon in Jasper, Alberta, and some people (namely the New York Post) think that’s lame.

A Page Six story ran a story with this headline: “Prince Harry, Meghan Markle to honeymoon in world’s most boring place.”

Now, as VICE’s resident Albertan, I have a few qualms with that take and I must spring to the defence of the third-lead on Suits and the sixth-in-line to the Crown. It’s JASPER—the home of giant mountains, sprawling bush, gorgeous glacier lakes and winding blue rivers. JASPER—the home of a pretty OK (but not great) ski hill.

Now, I know that might not be enough excitement for a Page Six writer that lives in a 500-square foot, $3000-a-month one bedroom in Brooklyn, so here’s a list of 10 reasons for the royal couple to honeymoon in Alberta this year.

1. Go muddin’: OK, so for this one the royal couple is going to need to get their hands on a lifted truck (Truck Nutz are recommended but not mandatory). From here they will take this ‘98 Chev Silverado with a hockey puck lift to some good, sweet mud with some boys in a Ford and a Dodge. Like any good mudders they will get stuck but luckily in Alberta, we have a system for this.

First, the Chev gets stuck and then the Ford gets stuck, but the Chev will get unstuck when the Dodge shows up, however, the Dodge gets stuck in a tractor rut but it eventually pulls out the Ford. Repeat ad nauseam.

2. Float down the river in a homemade raft: OK, so for this one the royal couple is going to need some friends (may I suggest the muddin’ bros?) and some tools. Get yourself some plywood, 2X4s, astroturf, and barrels stolen from a local construction site. Use these things to build yourself a 12’ X 12’ raft and float down the river. For extra ‘Berta points beer bong a couple Pilsners under every bridge you pass.

3. Head to a bush party: Luckily for the royal couple, they are in Alberta, the natural home of bush parties. All they need to do is peek their head outside of the Royal Retreat Cabin they’ll be staying in and listen for the crackling of burning pallets and the shouting from a fight about to break—the telltale sounds of some good-for-nothing Alberta teens getting drunk in the woods. From here all they need to do is don a Canadian tuxedo, walk towards the sounds and within 15 to 20 minutes they’ll be doing keg stands or chugging rye, guaran-damn-teed.

4. Steal a zippo from the Jasper Park Lodge: Hell, I’ve even been to the Jasper Park Lodge. Yeah, that’s right, your boy has been to where the Royals are going to have their post-nuptial hump sesh. I have no idea how the little northern Albertan Catholic school I went to could afford it but it was for a grade seven ski trip. I don’t remember much about it but it was very, very nice—much nicer than I was used to—and that I stole a zippo from the store they had in the hotel.

I lost the zippo but I kept the memories.

5. Go shoot some guns: No, not at a range, either in the woods or in a farmer field. They can either shoot some coyotes or set up cans. If they don’t have guns, no worries, just ask the farmer… he will.

6. Pee outside: God, I haven't peed outside since I moved to Toronto. I miss it so much. Do it for me, Harry and Meghan–let me live vicariously through you.

7. Eat at the original Boston Pizza: Look this will take some work but it’s worth it to get some of the finest dining that Alberta has to offer—in a landmark building on top of that! They’ll need to rent a car and head north to Edmonton (it’s only about a four-hour drive which is pretty short in the prairies.) To be honest, the first one has since closed but you can head to the one on Jasper Ave and pretend it’s the first!

I hope you enjoy the cactus cut potatoes, you lovebirds.

8. Climb a mountain: Hell yeah, get that outdoors time in. This is the reason you came right, the great outdoors? Get this one done quick so you can do the rest of the (actually fun) things on this list.

9. Throw some loonies at strippers: Alberta has one of the oddest little activities you can do at strip clubs, throw loonies at the dancer’s private parts to try and win a poster or magnet. It’s not really done elsewhere in the world (I’ve written about it here) and while it’s weird, and pretty fucked up, it is what passes for culture in some parts. Now, because I’m a good guy, I’ve done the work for you two and found the nearest strip club to Jasper—I hope you like Drayton Valley!!!

10. Go to small town Alberta karaoke: You haven’t truly visited Alberta if you don’t see a haggard drunk-as-a-couple-skunks oil couple on the verge of breaking up singing “Picture” by Sheryl Crow and Kid Rock in like, Stettler or something.

Hell, if you guys drink enough rye, you might as well do a rendition of your own.

Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter.