Tidbits

MATCHING UNDERWEAR
A few weeks ago we were laughing at our buddy Ryan for claiming that ever since he started wearing matching tighty-whities and T-shirts he can’t stop getting laid. Then we told our girlfriends and they were all, “That sounds kind of hot actually.” Try it. It’s weird. It’s like catnip to them. It’s like a guy’s version of lingerie.

SALAD-FLAVORED FACE CREAM

If you want a girl to make out with you, put this cream all over your face and call her fat. It sucks at first because she’s crying but girls on diets live for salad and they’re always hungry, which is where kissing your face comes in.

Thanks to Arousiak Turabian of Kew Gardens, NY

MULTICULTURAL COLON CLEANSER

Anyone who thinks diversity is an urban myth and we’re more segregated and at each other’s throats than ever before hasn’t checked out high-fiber cereal recently. The folks at Kashi have decided to put shiny happy races on every box because, apparently, people who still believe we’re all one big happy family are also full of shit.

Thanks to Greg over at NYU

HOMEGIRL POTATO CHIPS

Don’t know ’bout you, Rob Halford, but when we think of the word “homegirl,” we think of spunky white girls, devout Muslims, black nerds, Asians with fanny packs, and passionate Latifah manifestos like “Yo! Being a virgin is not a dirty word” and “Don’t be a fool. Don’t take drugs or weapons to school.” (Seriously, that’s what it says on the back).

BOUDREAUX’S BUTT PASTE

Ever put Vagisil on a rash or anything sore anywhere on your body? It works, eh? Same with this shit. I don’t know why society is giving all the good shit to babies’ bums and vaginas but you could put this fucker on a Monday and it would go away.

Don’t bother going to their website. Katrina wiped out the whole company

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BOMBAY BAD BOY NOODLES

Named after Vice cofounder Suroosh Alvi because he started wearing leather jackets and sunglasses, this instant noodle marks a drastic departure from his previous favorite noodle: Smack.

CURITAS

The back of this box lists chromium and mercury among various other corrosive ingredients. No wonder they’re about a century behind us. The poor bastards are hurting.

Thanks to Barry Dubrow of Anchorage, AK

PEARSON’S SALTED NUT ROLL

Vice editor Jesse Pearson is such a fag his mouth waters every time someone says the word “bag.” This is his favorite food and he gets a boner every time he eats it.

STUFFED AIDS

There’s these guys that magnify their favorite microbes about one million times and then make stuffed animals out of them. They’re called Giantmicrobes and they make bad breath, the common cold, hepatitis, and, of course, HIV. Only they didn’t want to be accused of trivializing AIDS, so they gave the HIV microbe a red ribbon, which means that HIV feels terrible about itself and wishes it could be eradicated. How goth is that?

Go to giantmicrobes.com. Syphilis is the cutest.

666 COUGH SYRUP

A lot of kids in Memphis like to put Sprite and gummi candy into cough syrup and sip it until the dextromethorphan fries their brain. That’s great when you’re 13, but what’s with Three 6 (get it?) Mafia coming out with songs like “Sippin’ on Some Syrup” and “Rainbow Colors,” where they tell you to put some “Jolly Ranchers in your cup”? Aren’t they like 40? What else do they do, hyperventilate in the boys’ bathroom?

HOMOS SALAD

Last month was the Lies Issue and most of the Tidbits and DOs and DON’Ts were made in Photoshop. Sorry about that. I swear to God on my mother’s eyes we won’t do it again.*

We know we’ve shaken your faith in us but this Tidbit is real: An international typo that brought the Lebanese from the savviest Christians in the Middle East to a bunch of faggotarians simply by throwing a couple of Os at an UMU.

Thanks to Matt and Anja of Minneapolis, MN

SHIT FROM HOMELESS PEOPLE
We bought this pile of Beatles quotes and three cassettes from a homeless man for $40. Sounds expensive, we know, but buying shit from crazy people is something you never regret. The art looks really good when you frame it (plus people think you’re deep when they see it on your wall) and the cassettes turned out to be him playing beautiful classical guitar and mumbling things like “I bet your band doesn’t know—‘She’s Too Fat for Me’ ” (which is an incredibly esoteric polka song from the 40s). Kind of makes you think: Crazy is just a cunt hair away from genius and there but for the grace of God go you.

This month’s winner: MATCHING UNDERWEAR

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* Dear God: What I’m promising here is that we won’t ever deceive the readers with fake photographs again. Please do not blind my mother on some weird technicality like an ad or a black bar on someone’s eyes or some mistake that I wasn’t aware of. You’re all-knowing so you know what I meant by that promise and I don’t want anything to happen to her. Play fair.