On Friday my buddy was like, “Want to split a 60 from the jar guy?” I was like TOTALLY! You see, the jar guy is not for the masses and a close connection is required to obtain his services. The other option is the overpriced baggie of some powder that resembles cocaine but would more likely test positive for drano and baking powder. I even had an empty jar from weeks earlier sitting around for such an occasion, so splitting it up would be a breeze… unless disaster struck.

The one problem with the jar is that it’s tiny, so at the end of the night you are stuck with several bumps shoved into spaces where no human key can reach. This flaw is easily remedied by dripping a drop of water in there, shaking it up, and doing the whole bit as an aqua bump. It’s a bit of a crackhead move, granted, but so is worrying about five dollars’ worth of inaccessible cocaine at four in the morning.

So anyway; we split up the goods and we’re enjoying the early stages of our evening when suddenly my friend is like WT-FUCK?!??!?!!?! What I hadn’t anticipated was a tiny molecule of water harboring itself in the lid of my old jar, ready to attack our god-given right to good vibes and turn half the stash to a viscous, semen-like slurry. It was too thick to pour out and too wet to scrape fully. I did know that if you nuke naturally-moist cocaine you can make it more granular, and it was on this wing and prayer that I rested all my hopes.

We scraped a little of the mush onto a plate and put it and the rest of the jar into the microwave for 20 seconds on high. Out of the oven came a jar full of glue and a plate covered in a drier but no-less-gluelike substance. You have no idea how awful I felt. Not only did I fuck up real bad and have to pay for it since this was totally my fucking fault, but now we had to deal with the fact that whatever we decided to put up our faces that evening undoubtedly contained some noxious, progeny-deforming melted plastic business. But then, genius happened.

Rather then trying to pull all of the moisture out, I chose to go the opposite route and stir it up with some nasal spray, for a sort of discreet, rich-lady-whose-family-doesn’t-know-what’s-up vibe. I am pretty sure it worked since the saline nasal junk seemed to reconstitute the gloop without leaving a bunch of crud at the bottom of the jar, but I was also pretty keyed up from doing bumps out of the other jar, so who knows for sure. Also, because we were hamboning it, nobody thought to figure out what ratio of powder to spray we were working worth, so I can’t be sure if I was doing one grain per blast or some Boogie Nights amount. Scientifically speaking, it made my sinuses feel like they wanted to push themselves through my skin and then boil on the ground.