It’s the steady decline of a television entertainment show that everyone’s talking about – The X Factor: has it gone shit?

Every hack we know is scoring easy coin forcing themselves into a clear (yet controversial) position on either side of the argument, appealing to your overactive senses of indignation and pointless fury in the process. So we created two journalists out of thin air to wrap the warm blanket of self-righteousness around you and whisper in your ear: “It’s okay, baby – it’s the world that’s wrong.”

X FACTOR IS NOW THE RUBBISH FACTOR
by Laura Nicholson

Watching The X Factor used to be a Saturday ritual round our place. Sit down. Turn on The X Factor. Crack open a bottle of red wine. Grab a take-away. Start watching it. Keep on watching it. Have an absolute ball.

The contestants were mental – some of them couldn’t sing a note! But there they were, la-di-da-ing along to Destiny’s Child’s “Independent Women Part II” as though they were real glamourpusses and not borderline mental cases from Dunstable who were only kept alive by the welfare state. How we’d cackle, back at ours. “They’re crap!” Janice would say, tears rolling down her cheeks. “Just… totally crap!” Of course, we cackled all this through a veil of guilty-pleasure irony, so it was OK to laugh.

Then we’d listen to what Simon and his merry band of judges had to say: “That was really very bad,” he’d say, and we’d all collapse into giggles again. Simon was telling it how it was, and all was right with the world.

But it wasn’t just about the laughs. Year after year, we’d watch the show take raw talent like Eoghan Quigg, Leon Jackson, Steve Brookstein and Joe McElderry, and turn them into the popstars of tomorrow with long and fulfilling careers ahead of them.

Not any more. Sorry Simon. We’ve put away the vino. The take-away hotline is being left undialled. Nowadays, we sit there in silence on Saturday night, stony-faced. As you yourself might have put it with your characteristic honesty: “I’m afraid I’m going to have to disagree with the other three”: The X Factor has gone completely crap.
 
There’s no single reason for its transformation from brilLOLathon into pointless waste of time. Rather, it’s a combination of factors.

Firstly: Well, let’s just say that the new judges haven’t exactly stepped up to the plate, have they?
 
We all remember lovely Cheryl Cole, with her lovely catchphrases: “I thought that was nice,” “You’re really good,” and “I think you could go far in this competition.” Now, what’ve we got in her place? Boring old Kelly Rowland with her catchphrases: “I thought that was nice,” “You’re really good,” and “I think you could go far in this competition.” Pffft, spare us the Hollywood luvvie patter, dear. Where once Dannii would delight us with an off-the-cuff remark like: “You’ve got a lot of personality,” and “You’ve really come on a long way,” now, there’s silly moo Tulisa, with her annoyingly fake catchphrases like “A lot you’ve personality got doing ballids,” and “Long you come really on a way that’s not a ballid.” I mean, how unoriginal.
 
But the line in the sand for me was the treatment of 54-year-old Ceri Rees. This clearly mentally challenged woman deserved to have her dignity respected. Alright, so we’d all giggled along for the past four years every time the poor mong biddy came on and couldn’t sing a cocking note. But when it happened a fifth time – well, that’s when it turns immediately into a totally-not-funny human tragedy. It may not make sense, but it’s completely true.
 
So, sorry Simon, it’s time to see sense and can The X Factor before the show just becomes a parade of disposable showbiz karaoke for thickos and tots. No one wants that. Take the axe to your X.

Infuriated and appalled by this opinion adopted by a fake journalist for money that doesn’t exist? Try out page two for some immediate TLC. Everyone’s right on the internet!

NO NEED TO COCCOZA COMMOTION: X FACTOR’S STILL GOT THE BRILLIANT FACTOR
by Rebecca Barton

It’s become much like Christmas itself. Every year it rolls round. And every year, everyone says it’s not as good as it used to be. “The contestants aren’t very good,” they moan. “The show’s lost its lustre,” they whine. “The whole thing’s just a bunch of stage school brats gurning Black Eyed Peas songs to the lower-half of Britain’s IQ distribution,” they whinny. Well let me tell you, they couldn’t be more wrong about the show having lost its lustre.
 
X Factor’s still got the success-factor. Why? Because it’s just brilliant entertainment. It’s never been about the singing, anyway. It’s about who’s a single mum looking for a kidney, who’s having a fake relationship with another contestant, and which one of them has lived the secret shame that they can’t read. That’s the stuff that has never gone away, and it never will. Admittedly, so far this year no one’s gran has been outed by the tabloids as a former prostitute like disgusting pervo Katie Weasel last year. But if they did, that would obviously be the hilarious icing on the cake.

Already, we’ve had a mental woman who can’t sing come back for her fifth year of being told she can’t – a joke which frankly just keeps on getting funnier. What more could you ask for from family entertainment?

Naturally, the same killjoys keep saying it’s too drawn out these days, what with the ad breaks every 94 seconds and each contestant being eliminated and then reintroduced to the show nine times before the post-elimination eliminator elimination show, but really, what else would you be doing with the four and a half hours it takes out of your weekend? Making love eight times? Reading 80 pages of a classic novel? Writing a lengthy and poignant letter to someone you love very dearly? Running two half-marathons? Learning a decent chunk of a foreign language?

Don’t be ridiculous. It’s not as if we’re all going to die in 40 or 50 years, and I for one can think of no higher calling than blobbing around being hypnotised by flashily-edited recaps of Westlife’s manager telling some youth from Barnsley he’s on an incredible journey. Have we seen it all before? You bet we have. That’s the beauty of it. If it’s like a boot in the face of humanity for ever and ever, then X Factor can step on. I still love it.