While the rest of you have spent the last couple of weeks or so salivating over Usain Bolt’s extensive limbs and laughing at Boris Johnson’s hairdo, I’ve been researching the ways in which the Olympic spirit has once again failed us. So, now that all the Closing Ceremony did was reveal the extent to which five formerly borderline hot women can dry up before they reach middle age, you can all rejoin me in keeping up with the Olympics of Hate. I promise, it won’t be fun.

FRANCE

Last week might have seen the one-year anniversary of the UK riots, which people speculated could mean trouble, but nothing happened. Instead, the French happily took possession of the torch of urban rioting, with more than a hundred kids going on the rampage in the city of Amiens. The violence, which centred around a rough-as-my-arsehole housing estate in the north of the city, kicked off after locals grew tired of what they felt were overly stringent police spot-checks on traffic earlier in the day. Gathering around 9PM, the rioters displayed a keen sense of irony by hauling people from their cars, stealing them and then setting them on fire. They also burned down a school and fired shots at police. Overall, 16 police were injured but no arrests were made as the violence was finally brought under control around 4AM. 

The riot is reminiscent of the chaos that spread all across French cities back in 2005 for pretty much the same reason: hard policing. Still, being one of the 15 most troubled in the country, the district in question is about to receive extra policing resources. It seems the new socialist government hasn’t learnt from the mistakes of its predecessors, having vowed to clamp down hard on the rioters. French president, Francois Hollande said: “Our priority is security, which means that the next budget will include additional resources for the gendarmerie and the police.”

CHILE

Thousands of Chilean students and teachers took to the streets of Santiago last Wednesday, to demand free higher education in the latest in a series of protests that have been ongoing for well over a year. The demonstration, by the way, had been banned by the government who feared outbreaks of violence. Police moved in to break up the protesting throng and clashes began, with the cops using water cannons, tear gas and rubber bullets, to which the students and teachers responded with stones, Molotovs and a squad of crack riot dogs – Greece, eat your heart out.

Despite his approval ratings plummeting since protests began, Chilean President Sebastian Pinera still refuses to meet with the students to discuss their demands, which pretty much means the stalemate and violence are likely to continue.

SOUTH AFRICA

South Africa makes its entry into the World Peace Update in a doubly gruesome way this week.

On Friday, hundreds of residents of a Cape Town township clashed with police over the lack of services in their neighbourhood. Like many townships in South Africa, the area has suffered from a lack of running water and electricity for years, as the government has been extremely slow at connecting these makeshift camps. Sixty-two rioters were arrested while at one point the main road to the international airport was closed with barricades. Riots like these are fairly common in South Africa, but this time the mayor accused the governing ANC Party’s youth wing of manipulating the violence for political gain. Which, to me, sounds pretty irrelevant: Deflect responsibility all you want, Mr. Mayor, your people are still dirt-poor and thirsty. 

The second attention-grabbing incident took place in the north-west province, when two rival workers’ unions fought at a platinum mine on Friday. Members of the National Union of Mineworkers and the Association of Mineworkers and Construction Union fought over who the mine belonged too, and nine people were killed in the process. The dead included two police officers who were shot after the miners took to their weapons and the police responded with more gunfire. According to the BBC, the two rival groups numbered around 5,000 and the situation remains very volatile with local news stations reporting the miners are barring access to the press while preparing for more battles.

SYRIA

Aleppo, the battle over which has been raging on for over two weeks, has by now become the place of nightmares. Neighbourhoods are shelled hourly, bodies pile up in the street and clashes have forced thousands to flee their homes. The rebels’ fortunes were dimmed somewhat when they were forced into a tactical withdrawal from the frontline in the Salahadin district, after running low on ammunition and being unable to counter the regime’s fighter jets. Even though the rebel Free Syrian Army have made significant gains in the last month, assassinating key members of President Assad’s inner circle and taking control over parts of Damascus and Aleppo, according to this Guardian graphic, they are still outgunned.

While confronting regime forces on the ground, knocking out tanks with RPGs and IEDs seems to have posed relatively few problems to the FSA, it’s the air superiority they haven’t been able to compete with. Until this week:

On Monday, FSA forces were able to shoot down a regime MiG fighter jet outside the eastern city of Deir Ezzor. Which was a first for them which they surprisingly managed by firing an anti-air cannon at the low-flying plane. It was a huge morale boost to the FSA just when they needed it, but is it enough to bring on the regime’s demise?

So there you go, the world still isn’t the happy-clappy place Gabby Logan and Mo Farah’s ridiculously radiant grin would have you believe it to be. Check back next week for any signs of progress, but don’t count on any. Toodaloo.

Follow Henry on Twitter: @Henry_Langston