The VICE Guide To Iraq

Photo by Kevin Smith
 

Iraq is more than just exploding bodies, bloodthirsty zealots, and confused American soldiers. It’s also got spicy meat soups and raisin-juice, verdant rose bushes, and centuries of culture and tradition. Here’s our guide to Iraq from Alif to Yaa’.

ALIF IS FOR AHWAR
Ahwar is the name of the marshlands in the southern part of Iraq. The people there have lived the same way for thousands of years and are among the few remaining ancient cultures on earth. To this day they live in huts made of braided reeds surrounded by water buffalo. Saddam made life hell for them by building a dam that dried up their territory. Now that Saddam’s gone and the water’s back they have sectarian death squads, cancer, and jumpy military folk to keep them busy.


BAA’ IS FOR BAGHDAD HIGH SCHOOL FOR GIRLS
If you are a teenager, have a car, and are looking for a girl to go out with on a date, Baghdad High School for Girls is the place to go. Placed in a very fancy neighborhood, this school teaches the daughters of some of the richest families in Baghdad. This should be obvious from the luxury cars with drivers waiting in the parking lot outside the front door at any time of the school day. Unfortunately, there are policemen protecting the girls from being harassed. You have to be very charming and have a very fancy car to outsmart the police—pretend to be a sibling and pick up the girl as quickly as you can before they notice, or you’ll be in trouble.


TAA’ IS FOR TEA TIME
Undecided about where to go out for the weekend with friends? There is always the old standby Tea Time. Established in the mid-90s in the rich Harthiya neighborhood, this fast-food restaurant serves enormous sandwiches. Their burgers are so huge that they make the Big Mac look like a White Castle slider. Tea Time has been slowly extending its property for the past few years and now owns the entire two-story building in which it was once-upon-a-time renting a small shop. Iraq is still free from all the American junk-food restaurants at this point—most Iraqis believe that if a Burger King were to open in Baghdad, it’d still lose business against the local fast-food chains.


THAA’ IS FOR THIREED
Thireed was originally a Bedouin meal but flourished and became very popular in Iraq. It consists mainly of bread dipped in meat soup and huge chunks of meat. Iraqis are so into meat they even eat kebabs at breakfast, and this is like the Iraqi Rib-Eye Steak Dish.


JEEM IS FOR JADIRIYA CLUB (NADI AL-JADIRIYA)
Jadiriya Club is the top social club of high-aristocratic families in Iraq. Uday Hussein originally founded it in the early 90s as a horseback-riding club for his fellow equestrians, but the beautiful gardens, brilliant scenery, and nice settings began to attract all the rich families in Iraq. These families tend to have a very Westernized lifestyle, and it became normal to see daughters and sons of different families dating, partying, or going on boat rides in the river Dijlah. After the war, the Jadiriya club was taken over and now serves as a military base.


HAA’ IS FOR HAJJI ZBALA (OLD MAN GARBAGE)
A small cafeteria in Baghdad that opened in 1901 and is named for its owner, Mr. Zbala (that’s the Arabic word for “garbage”). His parents named him “Garbage” at a time when some superstitious Iraqis would also give their kids names like “Donkey” or “Piss” to ward off the evil eye. This obviously worked for little Zbala, as it sealed his destiny as the most popular raisin-juice-shop owner in Iraq. It was the photo-op place of choice for Iraqi political figures over the past century.


KHAA’ IS FOR KHANDAQ
A khandaq is what you dig to hide in in hope of saving your life during bombing. It’s a shelter. When the war was close, people started to prepare themselves and their houses. They stored food, first aid, and all sorts of fuel and money for emergencies. A lot of people dug wells in their houses, but some people dug a khandaq too. A lot of stories of the older men that participated in the Iran-Iraq War are about things they did in their khandaq during the war. Iraqis, living through long years and having experienced many wars, consider the khandaq an essential part of their lives


DAAL IS FOR DIJLAH
Dijlah, or what you know as the Tigris, is the river that runs through Iraq, north to south coming from Turkey. It meets up with the Euphrates River right by Basra. Iraqis have romanticized this river in poems, songs, paintings, and books for its beauty. Nowadays it’s just a good place to dump dead bodies.


THAAL IS FOR THIBEEHA
Iraq is well known for the hospitality of its people. When an important guest visits, you have to give them a thibeeha, or an offering. You slaughter some of the sheep you have if you are in a tribal area or a village, or just get them from a restaurant if you are in a city. Thibeeha is also given at weddings and funerals. If an important figure dies, like a head of a tribe, literally hundreds and even thousands of sheep are slaughtered to make food for the visitors coming from all over the country to pay their respects and express their condolences.

Photo by Reuters

RAA’ IS FOR RASHEED STREET
ZAAI IS FOR ZARQAWI
SEEN IS FOR SA’AH RESTAURANT
SHEEN IS FOR SHAY
chay SAAD IS FOR SAYD CLUB (NADI IL SAYD) DHAAD IS FOR DHARBA (ATTACK) TAH IS FOR TAREEQ IL MATAR (AIRPORT ROAD)
DHA IS FOR DHILAL
AIN IS FOR ’ASHURAA
GHAIN IS FOR KING GHAZI

Photo by Reuters

FAA’ IS FOR FERIDA
QAAF IS FOR QOOZI
Qoozi KAAF IS FOR KATHUM AL-SAHIR

LAAM IS FOR LAHAM
Laham is Arabic for “meat.” Iraqi lamb is the best of the lot. That’s why sheep smuggling has become a lucrative business for some people in neighboring Iran and Saudi Arabia. The fact that most Iraqis cannot live without meat has allowed greedy butchers to keep making their products’ prices higher and higher. Iraqis eat meat at two or even sometimes three of the daily meals. All meat in Iraq is organic and thus incredibly tasty. Sheep and cow are very popular, but some people also like camel’s meat. And you can forget about pork.


MEEM IS FOR MUTHAFAR AL-NAWWAB
This guy’s a legendary communist rebel poet, famous across the Middle East for his dramatic and political writing. In the early 70s he was invited to recite his poetry at an Arab League meeting, at which he proceeded to curse and swear at every head of state present in the room. His comrades had to quickly smuggle him out of the country and he now lives in Syria. He’s also a renowned drunk.


NOON IS FOR NABUG
The dictionary says the English equivalent for this round-shaped fruit is “Christ’s thorn.” To Iraqis, it’s all kids’ favorite fruit. If you see a bunch of little Iraqis gathering around a tree and hurling stones, sticks, and sometimes shoes, you know it’s a nabug tree. Though it stinks like smelly socks, it’s delicious. A spooky myth is linked to this tree—they say if a house has one in its yard and the owners intentionally chop it down, a family member will croak soon.

HAA’ IS FOR HUMMER 
These boxy US military vehicles have become an inbuilt part of post-invasion Iraqi culture. When a fleet of Hummers passes by any Iraqi street, people tend to keep a distance, lest they are shot at by the jumpy American soldiers inside. The sight of a Hummer in any neighborhood means trouble. If Americans are attacked, all hell breaks loose in the shape of detentions and random gunfire. To Iraqi children in more rundown areas, Hummers means US-made candy bars from less aggressive soldiers.


WAW IS FOR WARD JOORI
These bright-colored Iraqi roses look as nice as they smell. Iraqis are fond of gardening and ward joori really brighten the landscape. In springtime, schoolgirls like to pick red, pink, and white flowers to give to their teachers as a token of respect.


YAA’ IS FOR YEZIDIS
The Yezidis are an ancient Iraqi devil-worshipping sect. Originally from northern Iraq, they bow down to Melek Ta’us (the Peacock Angel) whom they also call Shaytan (Satan). Melek Ta’us is basically Lucifer except the Yezidi side of the story of creation says that God gave Lucifer props and a camp peacock outfit for defying his orders.


MINO JIBILLA