All in the name of science. Photos by James Stafford
We hired a male model from the internet and got two girls who work in porn to fart on his face twice. They did this once while wearing jeans and once while wearing skimpy porno underwear.
After he’d received the double blast, our model, a 24-year-old named Dave, would attempt to deduce which fart was which.
The Farters
SUBJECT 1: THE CARNIVORE
Jasmine is a 28-year-old model from South London who has a sideline in being a dominatrix for hire.
“I don’t really stick to one fing,” she admitted. “I can do girl-next-door, fetish, or pissing on a guy.”
REASON FOR EATING MEAT: “I’m a meat eater but I have been a vegetarian in the past. At that time I was like: ‘Ooh! Killing animals. Nah!’ Back then there wasn’t a lot of variety for vegetarians so I used to eat boiled cabbages and potatoes. But the reason why I got back into eating meat was that I walked past a KFC and thought, ‘Bloody hell, I need to eat that!’”
PREVIOUS FARTING EXPERIENCE: “Garlic makes me fart a lot. Things like Indian make me fart and smell funny. Brussels sprouts make you fart. I went out raving one time and everybody had been eating brussels sprouts because it was Boxing Day. The day after Christmas is not good to go out raving because everybody’s farting. That’s my advice! Don’t go raving on Boxing Day!”
TODAY’S FART PROGNOSIS: “I had oat porridge and some beans and garlic. Now I’m eating a bit of a Peperami as well. It’s really smoky!”
SUBJECT 2: THE HERBIVORE
Sophie Calvert, age 22, is a self-confessed “naughty girl who takes her clothes off and does naughty things with men and women.”
REASONS FOR BEING VEGETARIAN: “I decided to become vegetarian at university. I got really into health and fitness, then I found out I was an A blood type which meant that vegetarianism would be perfect for me. I think vegetarians RULE! You just have to look at things like horses and gorillas. They exist on stuff like grapes and grass.”
PREVIOUS FARTING EXPERIENCE: “Bean sprouts make me fart quite a bit! I’ve noticed since I became vegetarian that my bowel movements are much more regular, they don’t smell as much, and I feel much lighter. Everything flows better, to be honest.”
TODAY’S FART PROGNOSIS: “For breakfast I had porridge and a delicious blueberry smoothie and just before I came I had an apricot-and-almond healthy-eating bar.”
ROUND ONE
Dave is blindfolded and the girls take turns farting right in his
face. Meat-eating Jasmine is first.
The atmosphere is pretty tense at this point, not unlike the silence before a bombing raid. Everybody is waiting with bated breath for a sharp popping to punctuate the calm.
To everybody’s surprise, Jasmine performs a totally silent fart. Slowly her scent fills Dave’s flared nostrils. As his brain reacts to the chemical change within his nasal passage he tells the assembled throng, “Well, I would say that this is the meat eater. [Correct!] It smells like autumn leaves. Or nuts. I have to say it doesn’t smell bad at all.”
With that, Sophie gingerly takes the place of Jasmine, bends over, and, like her carnivorous counterpart, lets forth a silent fart just inches from Dave’s lips.
Dave takes it in and responds, “Mmm. This is like candle wax. Like candles melting after a meal. Or paper burning. Yes. This is not bad at all. Not like a fart at all. I definitely prefer this fart to the first.”
ROUND ONE: Carnivore 0 / Herbivore 1
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ROUND TWO
OFFICIAL RESULT: MEAT EATERS MAKE STINKIER FARTS THAN VEGETARIANS.
THE AFTERMATH BONUS ROUND! So, Dave, how is it? After this experiment would you consider going vegetarian? OK, OK
