An In-Depth Investigation Into Whether This Hockey Player Is Eating a Hamster or Not

Who among us hasn’t done something remarkably stupid at a party?

I clearly remember one time, while camping, seeing my friend beer bong a full two-litre carton of expired milk. Another time, also when camping, a buddy discreetly pooped on the windshield of a park ranger’s car when he was lecturing us on proper party etiquette.

But, as far as I know, no one ate a hamster.

Frankly, I didn’t really know that was a thing that you even accused people of until Derek Duval, a would-be Progressive Conservative politician for Ontario, said in a Facebook post that this accusation was exactly the reason he lost his candidacy. Duval said that he had sold a number of party memberships and thought he had the nomination in the pocket, but then everything went south.

Duval said he was denied the nomination based on “the flimsy excuse of a video I was part of many years ago.” The video in question was from a “mockumentary” regarding a charitable hockey tournament he put on in Vankleek Hill, Ontario.

“We used footage from the games, the dressing rooms and the after party. The shenanigans were all in good fun for a tournament held on St-Patrick’s Day weekend.”

“During my call with the party I was grilled by party employee Garfield Dunlop, no stranger to controversy these days, who accused me of filming someone eating a hamster off of a hockey stick.”

What?

Duval said that the man wasn’t eating a hamster but instead poutine, but that “those facts don’t matter.” He accused the party of using this to get rid of him and instead appoint their favoured candidate in the riding.

Anyhoo, as a man whose family had hamsters when I was like ten or something I feel that I am aptly suited to get to the bottom of this mystery.

Here is a screenshot of the moment in question.

OK, let’s start with the basics here. The George St. Pierre looking man on the left (we’ll call him GSP from here on out) must of had a good game and is rewarding himself with a tasty treat. Now, while I’m not a chef or anything I would assume that poutine, the nectar of French-Canadians, is a tad tastier than hamster meat.

Hamster- 0 Poutine – 1

Next, we need to look at the blob and see what we can find out.

Siri, enhance!

From the looks of this close up of GSP we can see that, unless this rodent has frosted tips, the colouring is all wrong for a hamster. Look at the mix there, it’s golden brown, white, and a dark brown almost like the colours of the fries, mozzarella and gravy that makes up poutine!

Hamster- 0 Poutine – 2

It looks like poutine is starting to run away with this. But for the last bit we’re going to get really scientific and look at the physics of the slide.

Siri, make it into a gif or something!

Wow, nice work Siri.

OK, so this one is pretty easy. The blob kind of collapses in on itself before sliding into GSP’s waiting gullet. There are also bits of something that looks remarkably cheese like following off the side.

Furthermore the blob slides like something lubricated with, shall we say, gravy and not, shall we say, hamster claws. So, unless the group put this hamster through a blender before putting it on the stick I think we can definitely say this point goes to poutine.

(Editor’s note: But wait, there’s more! Back and to the right, look at buddy dancing away. No fucking way that hoser is bobbing his head to some Corb Lund while buddy next to him is eating a hamster off a hockey stick. Hockey players are gross but not that desensitized.)

Hamster- 0 Poutine – 3

It looks like we have a winner here folks.

But in the name of good science, I thought I would reach out to a fellow expert to confirm my analysis. After sorting through countless messages along the lines of “why are you writing me about this,” “I run a pet store, stop writing me” and “VICE used to be cool, aren’t you supposed to be a journalist you hack,” I found someone willing to help.

“I’m no expert on poutine, but that’s what the picture looks like to me.” Ken Brocx of the website Hamsterific wrote me. “I do see hints of what looks like a tail, and that is actually the dead giveaway that this is conclusively not a hamster.”

“Hamsters do not have tails.”

Well shit, there we have it, Ken and I have thoroughly ruled hamsters out of the equation here. I think we can comfortably say it was not a hamster. That said, Ken and I agreed that eating poutine off a hockey stick isn’t all that exciting.

“I’m not sure why shovelling poutine in your mouth would make the grade as frat boy hijinks,” Brocx said. “Maybe it was a gerbil?”

Goddamnit Ken, you just popped open another can of worms here.

Does anyone have Richard Gere‘s number?

Photos via screenshot

Follow Mack Lamoureux on Twitter