As a fan of movies both shitty and non, I’ve seen a bunch of them. I could almost say that I’ve seen ALL the movies, but that wouldn’t be true. I’ve seen, like, more than 1,000 for sure though. Do you think there’s a teenager sitting in a bush in a far away land right now who’s NEVER seen a movie? God, that just makes me feel so nauseous.

Sometimes in all my movie watching I’ll get a big fat krush on someone, and then forget all about them after a little bit of time comes between us—which is the case with Piper Perabo. Before I started writing this I did a Google image search to see what she looks like now, and she’s kind of getting that plastic face that seems to be popular with aging movie star ladies. I really wish they wouldn’t do this. I understand wanting to look young and fresh forever and stuff, but you can’t! Have you seen a picture of Dolly Parton lately? She looks fucking CRAZY. (DON’T YOU TALK BAD ABOUT DOLLY PARTON!)

Piper Perabo’s roll in Lost and Delirious ruined my ability to have a normal relationship of any kind. This movie is about one real lesbian who falls in love with a fake, slutty lesbian at boarding school, and then gets her heart broken. Piper’s character’s name is Paulie (dyke name if I ever heard one) and she walks around with a sword and yells poetry at people, until one day she can’t take it anymore and jumps off the roof of the school and turns into a bird so she can fly away to where there are REAL lesbians who actually appreciate how sexy being crazy can be.

I had already slept with a fair amount of girls by the time this movie came out in 2001, but it hit right at that time in my life where I was transitioning from those fake little relationships you have with people—like where you say you’re “going out” but only really see each other once a month at a show or something, and even then you act like you don’t really know each other—to what I considered to be REAL, adult relationships. What this movie taught me, and what I pretty much hold true to this day, is that if someone doesn’t walk into your school or place of business carrying a sword to say that they’d pretty much just die if you didn’t love them back, then they just don’t love you at all!

One time I was dating this girl who I really liked and before things went any further, time-wise, I wanted to make sure she was on the same page as me, so one night while we were out having pizza and beer I was like, “If we were soul mates and then I dumped you, would you consider jumping off the roof?” She looked at me with an expression that could only be described as fear, and I took that as a sign that we just didn’t have what it took to make it in the long run, so the next day I made the decision to never talk to her again. And yeah, this decision making process is totally why I’m still single, but I’m cool with that. Be mental with me, or get out of my face.

Piper Perabo was in another lesbian movie called Imagine Me and You. Don’t you kind of think that if an actress plays a lesbian more than once, it’s because she’s using movies as an excuse to have sex with ladies, and yet still not have to walk around being gay in real life? I spend a lot of time thinking about Piper Perabo’s mouth. I think our mouths would fit nicely together, and I already know that she’s a member of the “I’ll jump off the roof for you” club, so it’s a shame that we’re not hanging out.

In closing, please watch this, the most awkward case of a straight man interviewing two hot women about a lesbian movie ever.

@WolfieVibes

Previously – Asia Argento