The Meaning of ‘Cheating’ Is Changing. Are You Guilty?

Before cell phones and social media, cheating was pretty straightforward. Typically, one person in a couple would step outside of the relationship via physical/sexual intimacy. 

Now, with various opportunities to connect with countless individuals worldwide, cheating can look a little different—and be a hell of a lot more complex.

What Is Modern Cheating?

“Modern cheating” still involves stepping outside of a relationship to meet certain needs. However, rather than just pertaining to sex or physical closeness, it also includes emotional infidelity. 

According to Psychology Today, an emotional affair occurs when a person in a committed relationship forms a deep emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship. 

The publication added that this form of emotional connection does not have to involve physical or sexual intimacy to be considered infidelity. Rather, the bond is deeper than the one in the primary committed relationship. Additionally, there are usually elements of secrecy, deception, and investment in the other person.

These close connections are often formed through frequent communication via texting or even social media. 

“We live in a culture that thrives on micro-interactions,” Aigerim Alpysbekova, MPH, a Ph.D. candidate at the University of Texas at Austin, wrote in a separate Psychology Today article about modern cheating. “Likes. DMs. Emojis. We’ve normalized low-level emotional exchanges with dozens of people. And yet, those interactions—especially when shared frequently with someone we’re attracted to—start to create something else: emotional intimacy.”

Now, this is obviously different than the emotional bonds we share with our friends. Just because you are emotionally connected to a person outside of your relationship does not mean you’re cheating. At least, not in my opinion.

What turns this form of intimacy into “modern cheating” seems to be the level of investment involved. Are you prioritizing that person over your primary relationship? Do you feel the need to hide your messages from your partner? Are you willing to get more emotionally intimate with that person than with your partner?

How to Address Modern Cheating

There are so many blurred lines in today’s dating world. One person’s boundaries might seem strict and controlling to one person and completely rational, even lenient, to another. 

But what matters most is whether you and your partner are on the same page. Odds are, if you feel you need to hide something from your significant other, whether it be a deep texting conversation or a string of flirty DMs, you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place. 

On the other hand, if you notice yourself craving external validation, attention, or support, you might want to turn inward and reflect on what is missing—both within yourself and your relationship.

“If you’re looking outside your relationship for approval, or light flirtation, ask yourself: What am I not getting—and have I communicated it?” Alpysbekova said.

Are You and Your Partner Quietly Cheating on Each Other?

In my opinion and experience, it’s totally fair and even healthy to have multiple sources of emotional connection. Friends, colleagues, community members, etc., can all contribute to a fulfilling social life, and it’s unrealistic to expect your partner to fulfill every single need you have. 

But are you seeking a level of emotional nourishment you’re not getting in your romantic relationship? And if so, are you overstepping the boundaries you and your partner have set for each other?

It’s important to be brutally honest—both with yourself and your partner. You aren’t a monster for craving more attention, support, and connection. If you’re continuously unfulfilled in your relationship, even after communicating your needs, perhaps it’s time to walk away so you can find someone more aligned with you.