Psychology Today defines empathy as “the ability to recognize, understand, and share the thoughts and feelings of another person, animal, or fictional character.” Empathy is an important quality to have, as it strengthens connections and creates a safe, secure foundation in relationships.

However, many people confuse empathy with being a pushover. You can be empathetic while still holding firm boundaries, demanding respect, and honoring your own values, morals, and needs. 

Coming from someone who still has footprints on their back from being walked all over, here are three signs you’re a doormat, not an empath.

1. You Feel Guilty Setting Boundaries

You know what they say: empathy without boundaries is self-destruction.

While it might make you feel uncomfortable, setting boundaries is not selfish—it’s protective, both of yourself and of your relationships. Saying “yes” when you want to say “no,” people-pleasing to avoid difficult conversations, and swallowing your discomfort to avoid being an “inconvenience” do not make you empathetic. In fact, it makes you a doormat. 

Naturally, even the most kindhearted individuals might unknowingly take advantage of your lack of boundaries. If you don’t respect yourself, communicate your needs, and protect your peace, no one else will do it for you.

2. You Tolerate and Excuse Disrespect

Have you ever watched your beautiful, talented, successful, vibrant best friend slowly lose their spark while in a toxic relationship with a disrespectful partner? If so, remember them the next time you’re tolerating disrespect. 

I won’t pretend I haven’t been that friend before. Due to my own insecurities, mental health battles, and low self-worth in my 20s, I put up with behavior I would never deal with now in my 30s. I let friends talk down to me, let ex-boyfriends toy with my heart, and even once let a boss berate me on a work call until I was sobbing, even though I’d done nothing wrong.

Needless to say, I tolerated disrespect from others because I didn’t respect myself. In fact, I continued to blame myself in every one of those situations, making excuses for their behavior: My friend was probably just hurting and lashing out! My ex was just lonely and confused! My boss was just stressed and taking it out on me! Excuses, excuses, excuses.

To an extent, I did play a role in those situations by allowing people to treat me unkindly. But eventually, I grew a backbone and cut every single one of them off. That doesn’t mean I don’t wish them well or empathize with their pain. It just means it’s no longer my problem, and it’s certainly not my expense.

3. You Feel Responsible For Other People’s Emotions

This seamlessly leads me to my next point…Other people’s feelings are not yours to solve. You can empathize all you want, offering compassion, support, and grace. But if you feel it’s your responsibility to regulate other people’s emotions by making yourself smaller, you’re basically offering yourself up as an emotional punching bag.

How many times have you dismissed your own needs or downplayed your own desires to avoid a reaction from someone else? For example, let’s say you’re feeling neglected in your relationship. Rather than telling your partner that you need more quality time and communication, you suppress these needs because you don’t want to hurt or frustrate them. 
Maybe you’re used to hearing half-assed apologies like, “I’m sorry I’m such a horrible partner!”, or perhaps you’re used to being met with anger. Whatever the case, you shouldn’t have to downplay your feelings to protect or manage someone else’s feelings.