What I Know About Penis Size From Sleeping With More Men Than I Can Count

From the micro to the cucumber-ish.
April 23, 2018, 11:30pm

This article originally appeared on VICE NZ.

I’ve slept with a lot of dudes. I’ve had more pricks than a pincushion and I’ve had the complete spectrum. I had a partner with a micropenis, and then my current partner is so large he has to order his condoms online because he can’t find any to fit him. How big? I’d say cucumber-ish. My first reaction was, ‘Wow, awesome.’ And then my second reaction was, ‘Jeepers, he’s pretty big—I don’t know if I can take that.’ I was very impressed.

When we first met, I was thinking, ‘God, I bet he’s got a small dick.’ He’s got quite small hands and he’s got a slim frame so the photos he was sending before the dick picks, I was thinking—he had his hand over his package—obviously he’s not very well-endowed, but it’s not always about that. I thought I would give it a go, so I guess my expectations were really low. When I did see it, it was like ‘Wow!’ My last partner, he was a really big guy and he did have a really impressive package as well, but I think sometimes that can be misleading. One guy that I slept with, he had a big frame but he had a really tiny dick. Like, not micro, but probably a little bit longer than a thumb. I guess that’s micro?

There’s absolutely no way to tell but I always look at hands and feet and noses—you know: ‘big nose, big hose’. But my last partner, he had stumpy little sausage fingers—not proportionate to the size of his penis. He had massive feet, like size 13s, but he had a beautiful little nose. I guess none of those signs stack up.

To be honest, with my current partner sometimes it hurts. Like, we’ll be doing it in a particular position—like doggy-style—and I’ll go, ‘Ooh, ah, no, no, we have to change.’ Because it’s so long. It’s long and thick. I had another partner who had a really long dick, and it just didn’t fit me. In the end, the sex wasn’t enjoyable and the relationship didn’t last. It was only in some positions that it would be ok, but then it wouldn’t be satisfying me in that position. There is such a thing as too big.

My current partner, when he lost his virginity, he couldn’t get a condom on. So in the end the girlfriend was like—maybe it was him, it was probably him actually—was like, ‘Let’s do anal.’ That’s what they started to do but that was too painful for her so they stopped. It was hard for him to actually have sex and relax without thinking about his partner getting pregnant. And it’s also risky sexual behaviour. Now that he finds them online, he always wears a condom.

I had another partner. He was a Cook Islander, and he had—he’s got my favourite dick. He had the most incredible dick. It wasn’t long, but it was substantial. A really thick dick. It was so satisfying. He had trouble finding condoms as well because his head was so big.

For anyone who comes across a big dick, I just think, well done! Lucky you! But some guys with big dicks think that’s enough. I had a partner who was a lazy root, because he thought his dick was enough. It really depends on the person. The guy with the micro penis, the sex was actually amazing because he was compensating for the lack of size in his penis. And he must’ve done research on good positions because, yeah, I had a really good time. It didn’t last, because I am a big dick person, but he was very good with his tongue.

Most guys with big dicks seem to be less like they have to prove a point or something. They seem a lot more relaxed. I find that men with small dicks seem to have a chip on their shoulder. I’m completely generalising here. Actually, there was one who had a smallish dick, but it was bent, so he could do some great things with it. Sex with him was pretty good. He was so proud of it. He didn’t care about the size.

I’m not big on anal. Like, I don’t mind it. I’ll do it on birthdays and Christmases, but not if they’ve got a really big dick. I won’t go there. At all. My current partner reckons he could blow my mind, but I’m not going there—there’s no way. He’s just desperate and I’m like, ‘There’s no way that’s going to happen.’

It’s the same as vaginas and breasts, they’re all completely different—shapes, sizes. We’re all unique, we’re all different. It’s not one-size-fits-all. As I said, I had a favourite dick, and it fitted my vagina perfectly. And his dick was not a big, long massive member, which we’re led to believe is the ultimate goal. If it’s too big to fully enter a woman, that can’t be fully satisfying. I’ve seen some huge penises in porn, and they don’t get anywhere near satisfied.