In her book Bird By Bird, essayist Anne Lamott wrote at length about the economic and social signifiers that one could find hidden in school lunches, and about what was deemed acceptable for a kid to pull out of his or her lunchbox. In the same collection of paragraphs, she also wrote about why raspberry jam is the worst thing ever.
“I couldn’t remember just exactly what it was about raspberry jam that was so disconcerting,” she recalled. “So when I got home, I called a friend who is also a writer [...] and my friend went on an impassioned, disoriented riff about how there was too much happening in raspberry jam, too many seeds per spoonful. It felt like there were all of these tiny little pod people in it. It was Body Snatcher jam.”
Let’s hope Lamott wasn’t scrolling through Reddit’s r/MildlyInteresting sub today, because she would’ve seen this god awful jar of Smucker’s Red Raspberry preserves, which is upsetting on a number of levels. First, why is it all seeds? Next, why would someone look at that jar on a grocery store shelf and think “Yes, this is the one I want, the one that looks like it was taken from the set of Rescue Dawn.” Finally, FFS, why would they then take it to the checkout line, pay for it, and bring it home?
One Reddit commenter referred to it as “Oops! All Seeds,” which is an accurate description, but still doesn’t explain why it exists. (MUNCHIES reached out to Smucker’s to ask that very question, but the company hasn’t yet gotten back to us, hopefully because they’re busy terminating every employee who saw this jar leaving the factory and did nothing to prevent it.)
It’s easier to find and excavate the Lost Ark of the Covenant than it is to pry raspberry seeds out of your back molars. This jar ensures that you’d spend the remainder of your youth pulling your cheek to the side so you could stare into the back corners of your own mouth. Are you free this Saturday? No. Next Saturday? No. You’re no longer free, period. If Gina Haspel knew about this jar, she would’ve used it at a black site torture prison. This jar should not be in civilian hands.
“Literally looks like a jar of seeds,” another astute Redditor pointed out.
It also looks like Smuckers owes… everyone a formal apology. We also hope Anne Lamott never finds out about this.