Shuffle and Splooge – Playlist #12

In this installment of Shuffle and Splooge, Sophie Saint Thomas shares farts, and slap sex, with various musical lovers. This is the countdown to the end of this column, so leave Sophie your requests for songs and scenarios to be included in the remaining three in the comments below.

“Lotus Flower” by Radiohead

Thom and I are both a bit gassy from the quinoa and black bean salad he prepared for dinner. “Thom…” I begin. I worry he is embarrassed about the farts. “There’s an empty space inside my heart,” he whispers, closing his eyes. I move across the wooden table and sit in his lap. He looks at me, then down at his plate, annoyed. He hates when I do that before he’s finished eating. “I can set you free,” I murmur, and begin gently kissing his ears. Eventually he gives in and allows me to lead him to the bedroom. My cat is sound asleep, face planted in the blankets. Thom stops in his tracks and stomps his feet. He is adamant about no sex in front of pets, inconsiderate, he says. After luring Mama Cat away with some tuna, I lie Thom down and stroke his hair. “You know what I like,” he whines. I mount him, then slap him across the face with all my might. “Thank you,” he coos, then slowly we unfurl as lotus flowers.

“Under My Thumb” by the Rolling Stones

The girl once had me down. Swollen knuckles from punching walls. Obsessive thoughts eroding at my self-worth. I’d numb the pain with narcotics. But now the change has come, she’s under my thumb as my star has risen. Out of boredom I answer her call, the girl who has just changed her ways. I’m not above a good hate fuck. Sure, sweetheart, you can come by if you’re in my neighborhood. I lie in bed, still wet with sweat from another, waiting for the door bell to ring. I let her in. She touches her hair nervously; she’s curled it, a rarity. You want to fuck? Might as well get straight to the point, I say, my voice swollen with intimidation. A nervous laugh – then of course, she answers. It’s down to me, the way she talks when she’s spoken to. I grab her face and push it down into me. Ah, take it easy babe.

“Sky Then Trees Then Birds Then Nothing” by aTelecine

Out of respect for the fair Marina Ann Hantzis, thou shall open thy mind and ears to appreciate all mediums of your artistic expression. aTelecine isn’t so harsh, rather dark and misunderstood, much like yourself, o Sasha. I know you are more than a ravishing strumpet hopping around dressed as a bunny pooping out anal beads, although that was the best Easter themed adult film I’ve ever seen. On our first date I pick you up in a black car and bring you a bouquet of blood red roses, no MTA for my angel. We then dine at Per Se – nothing but the best! The Wall Street goons stare, trying not to let on that they recognize you. A scotch for you, a dirty martini for me. My drink of choice reminds me of the time you chugged a martini composed of the semen of ten different men – but I hold my tongue. We can joke about cum cocktails and licking toilet seats after we’ve moved in together. Tonight, I only wish to take you home and brush your sea of raven hair.

Previously: Shuffle and Splooge: Playlist #11

@TheBowieCat