Stephen Harper to Finally Quit, But What’s Next for Him?

May 25, 2016, 12:12pm

Stephen Harper will be quitting politics before the fall session of Parliament, the Globe and Mail reported this morning.

‘What?” you may be asking, “I thought Harper had the dignity to quit last fall after he got crushed by that feminist boxer at the polls.”

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But no. Like a separated husband who moved into the basement, the former Conservative leader has actually hung around as an MP (for a pro-rated $170,400), albeit in a rarely-seen and never heard fashion.

While the Globe’s Bob Fife suggests that Harper is lining up a prosperous post-political career sitting on corporate boards and creating a foreign policy think tank (CTV says “public intellectual” will be his job title), we think that our former Great Leader is selling himself a bit short.

So, what could Harper be up to next? We asked the experts within our office to find out.

Tax professional, H&R Block
Official Biographer of the Edmonton Oilers, 2005-2016
Official Opposition, Everything
CEO, Sole Operator, Barbaric Practices Hotline, Inc.
Advisor to Prime Minister Michelle Rempel
Singer/songwriter (album currently only available by direct mail order C.O.D.)
Trump-Harper ’16 fanfic writer
Crowdfunding the return of the Parliamentary Cat Sanctuary
Platinum Awards Member, Ramada Inn
Updating LinkedIn Profile (won’t stop endorsing Justin Trudeau for “elbowing”)
Senator Stephen Harper
Pogues cover band, The Prorogues
Unofficial Ambassador to Israel
Media critic at large
Auxiliary pianist for the Guns N’ Roses “Not in This Lifetime” reunion tour
CBC.ca comment troll, ‘TruDe@U_SuuuX75’, ‘RepealDaLongFormCenzuzBoi’, ‘AB4Lyf_S_T_E_V_E’
MMA fighter nicknamed “Dead Eyes”
“Just being a dad”
President, CBC
Honourary Lecturer, Tel Aviv University
Official Tele-Novelist for Murdoch Mysteries
Leader, Reformed Reform Party
Server at a cat café
Professional cuddling instructor
Lipstick model
Honourary American in the event of a Trump presidency
Leader, New Democratic Party
Starts an improv troupe with Thomas Mulcair called The Head and the Hair
Founder of roaming gang of automotive steampunk rebels, intent on gaining control of Alberta’s last remaining water source
Founder/Manager of chain restaurant Stephen’s, which features classic dishes prepared with no seasoning of any kind
Returns to his hometown of Toronto to open a normcore fashion boutique in the east end
Executive Producer, Reach for the Top
Hangs around the Stephen Harper International Airport with an empty suitcase, waiting to be noticed
Human male
“Might try out NHL 17“
Lead Designer, Men’s Vests, Mark’s
Finally getting around to reforming the Senate
Gets a Rihanna haircut
The Debaters with Zach Paikin
Little bit of this, little bit of that
New Rex Murphy
Freelance prison snitch
Chief of Staff, Ben Mulroney 2019
Just working on a screenplay
Climate change activist, just kidding, shill for Big Oil
Finally getting around to fixing that damn toilet
Animal shelter lurker
Guy who hassles census takers
Regular panelist for The Rebel
Checking out that new Star Wars flick
Co-hosting the Juno Awards with Jann Arden
Finally gonna try that open mic night at the bar down the block
Private intellectual
Don Cherry’s replacement
Senior Dank Memes Editor, VICE.com
Justin Ling fishing buddy
Owner, Good To Go!, a dispensary that actually makes you get a doctor’s note
Uber Driver (3.6 star rating)
Guy who asks, “Where did you get that sweater?”
Director of Communications for Conservative Party Leader Kevin O’Leary
Dragon, Dragon’s Den (never invests, just likes to crush dreams)
Dragon, Game of Thrones
That guy who stops you on the street to ask you if you have a minute for starving children
Subway performer
Flagging Facebook and Instagram posts as ‘inappropriate’
Guy who buys one coffee at McDonald’s, but stays there all goddamn afternoon
Don’t Call Me Steve, By Stephen Harper
Expert Complainer at various restaurants
Leader, Conservative Party of Canada