The Broadly Guide to Men

Assholes

Some men are assholes, but all men have assholes. And some men like fingers in their assholes. There’s something special, apparently, about the prostate. Legend has it that if you arc your index at an approximately five-degree angle upon anal entry, it will make their knees buckle.

Binary

As everyone knows, gender is a social construct that’s based on a fabricated binary that not everyone’s identity maps onto. The category of “man” is, in and of itself, a patriarchal fallacy (phallus-y?,) as is the category of “woman.”

Cigars

Famous man Sigmund Freud may or may not have once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” But that’s not true–everything’s a penis.

Drones

They are tools of war, so they are, quite literally, the tools of the patriarchy. It’s the ultimate gadget, and we know how men feel about those.

Ego

If forced to choose, every single man on the face of the earth would rather have this stroked instead of his dick.

Frats

Fraternities are large organizations that consolidate male power and absolve its members of any responsibility that comes from possessing that power. They also have parties.

Guitar

It’s a rite of passage for guys to learn a few chords on the guitar at some point during their adolescence. The only practical use for this is as a sort of parlor trick that’s meant to get the girls in the room to look at them. It’s the height of male privilege to think that anyone would want to hear you play “Wonderwall.”

Handjobs

People tend to dismiss handjobs as a relic of middle school, but there’s a poignant nobility to this underrated undertaking. It’s one of the few remaining jobs where workers are not alienated from the product of their labor. Also, it’s a great way to get out of giving a blowjob.

ISIS

Some of them are in it, but nearly all of them love talking about it. The exception, though, are men in LA. They’re just not that into ISIS. That’s not to say they don’t care–it’s just not a thing they talk about.

Jockstraps

It’s a bra for balls.

Karl Ove Knausgaard

This guy thought he was interesting enough to write a six-volume, 3,600-page novel about himself. And then named it after Hitler’s memoir. Of course men like it.

Love, Actually

We don’t quite know why men love this feel-good holiday ensemble romcom. But, if we were to venture a guess, it might be because this is the only Christmas movie with tits in it.

Misogyny

This is the hatred or contempt for women that permeates our society and most often manifests in YouTube comments.

Not All Men

Anyone who mentions “misogyny” will quickly be reminded that “not all men” are like that.

Other Men

Homosocial bonding is at once a beloved pastime and a deeply fraught enterprise for them.

Porn

Jerking off to graphic sexual imagery is at once a beloved pastime and a deeply fraught enterprise for them.

Quentin Tarantino

Men are as into intellectualized violence as Quentin Tarantino is into feet.

Reddit

Honestly, we don’t know how it works or why it appeals to men, but they seem to have a really nice time on it.

Sports

Sports is when we collectively pay people in good physical condition large sums of money to run around and play with a ball. Men love watching people playing with balls.

Threesomes

Gay, straight, bi, queer, trans–have you ever met a guy who wasn’t at least like, “Eh, I’m down”?

Urinating in Public

The world is their toilet! It would be like a dog marking its territory, except it’s unnecessary because everything is men’s territory.

Viagra

A pill that gives men erections is covered by health insurance, yet women’s essential healthcare is often illegal.

Whiskey

Hemingway, the brand ambassador of masculinity, loved whiskey.

Xbox

Men enjoy Xbox and yelling about Xbox. #gamergate

Yards

Yards are places where men can spend time out of the home, push gadgets around, and cook meat. It allows them to feel helpful. Also, men are drawn to the outdoors in general. We don’t know why.

Zombies

The zombie genre involves a group of renegades singlehandedly fighting off a group mindless reanimated corpses. Men enjoy this type of film, not realizing that this is how a woman feels every time she goes on the internet.