The week in news

It’s been a fucking weird past week. I’ve been drinking way too much (again), a family of rabid foxes have moved into my back garden, and a midget kicked me in the shins for looking at it funny. Then, mysteriously, someone posted the photo above as my desktop image, and I’ve been traumatised ever since. On top of this, I’ve had to put up with the excruciatingly tedious drivel pouring out from the Conservative party conference. Who gives a shit if they all got wrecked off expensive bottles of champagne? They’re rich toffs. That’s what they do. They drink champagne and ‘hate’ on the poor. That’s kind of why they exist.

Yet, for those who care very little about the state of my desktop image and Tories drinking champagne, here’s a more interesting round-up of the week’s news.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad – the holocaust-denying president of Iran – was born a Jew. The MoD’s document on “how to stop leaks” was, um, leaked. The arm wrestling world champion is a midget. There may or may not be a secret lesbian enclave in the north of Sweden. A warthog said “fuck you, Darwin” and chased a cheetah. Two drunken yobs got the shit beaten out of them after the two trannies they attacked turned out to be cross-dressing cage-fighters. The Bible has been retold in Lego. And you don’t have to be on mushrooms to look at circular rainbows. They. Actually. Exist.

And here’s my favourite, which comes rather unsurprisingly from Japan – the country that invented bukkake and carry gigantic pink slongs down the road during the fertility festival. A Japanese company has just invented a suit that they claim stops you from contracting swine flu. Yes, a suit. An “anti-swine-flu-suit“, if you will. The suit is coated with a chemical called titanium dioxide, which is a common ingredient in many brands of toothpaste and cosmetics. How exactly this chemically doused suit keeps you swine-free is pretty ambiguous, but according to a spokesman called Junko, it has something to do with a light reaction or something.

The company has already produced 50,000 of the suits in a clear attempt to cash in on of the fact that every single man in Japan is either a drunken suit-wearing salaryman or a dress-wearing “deviant”. I think they might be on to something. So if you’re interested in not contracting swine flu whilst looking smart, the suit comes in four ultra-conservative colours and styles: medium grey, charcoal, navy and grey pinstripe. Or I guess you could always just douse yourself in toothpaste and numerous household cosmetics for free.

HORATIO HUXTON