VICE’S MOST ELIGIBLE EDITOR – THE JOURNEY BEGINS

Cleo is a magazine for girls who like boys. It contains hundreds of articles with catchy titles, which are, almost without exception, about how to meet them. Taking this niche and running with it, the magazine also hosts an annual Bachelor of the Year awards, which sees a bunch of corny guys and footballers in tuxedos battle it out for the title of Australia’s most desirable. This year it promises to be different though. This year it’s going to consist of a bunch of corny guys, footballers in tuxedos and our very own Royce Akers battling it out for the title Australia’s most desirable. It’s fucking amazing and we’ll be with him throughout the photo shoots, dates, parties, interviews and, god willing, acceptance speeches.

It’s unfortunate but every time I try to think of another writer who might have been a shoe-in for Cleo Bachelor of the Year, I get that asshole Hank Moody from that shitty show Californication. Royce is nothing like Hank Moody but hopefully he stands a chance anyway.

Vice: Hey Royce, WTF? How is it you’re a contender for Cleo Bachelor of the Year?
I’m 31 and not married. You wouldn’t think there’d be a prize for that but there is.

Who are some of the people you’re up against?
Daniel Johns, Will Anderson, Corey Worthington, Rob Millsy Mills and John Farnham’s Manager’s son are all in it. They’re saying it’s the toughest group since Andrew G won in 2004.

Ha, you’re up against that kid who’s famous for having a rowdy party. Can you name the winners of the last few years please.
Last year’s winner was Axel Whitehead. Before that was someone called Jason Dundas. Before that I think it was Andy Lee.

Perplexing! So what’s been involved so far? A photo shoot and questionnaire right? Can you tell us about the shoot and some of the questions you were asked?
The email for the shoot said something like “don’t worry, you won’t have to take your shirt off” which I think was supposed to make me feel less body conscious. I hope they didn’t say that to Daniel (kidding!) But the shoot went fine. I met a young guy from Home And Away or Neighbours who is also in a band. I won’t name names or anything but he came in carrying a small bag full of diamonds. I shit you not.

The questionnaire asked things like “why should a girl invite you home to meet her parents?” and “what’s the ultimate relationship deal-breaker?” I think I answered that with a crack about ethnic-cleansing so yeah, I’m pretty sure I won’t be winning.

Why do you think you should be Cleo Bachelor of the Year?
Because it’s either me who you’ll never see again, or some famous guy who’ll stink up your TV screen every time you turn it on. Win or lose, I’ll fade quickly back into obscurity.

I assume this all culminates in a big party. What’s the dealio? Do you get to take a date?
Yeah there’s a big party in April. Wanna come? Just don’t ditch me for Will Anderson like I know you want to.

BRIONY WRIGHT