WAY WORSE IN REALITY

A lot of stuff is way better in imaginary land. First off, there are characters who are better than the actual guy. Like King of Queens’ Doug Heffernan. The actor that plays him is a condescending golf nerd with a stupid Kangol hat tugged tightly over his head. Watch Making the Cut and try not to hate him. Leah Remini, the girl who plays Carrie Heffernan is also a bummer. We had a friend work with her on a shoot recently and she was insisting on way out of everyone’s league shit like Balenciaga. They tried to explain that super high-end clothes like that are impossible to get but she never looked up from her nails. Carrie and Doug: great people. Leah and Kevin? Dicks.

Rap is a bummer too…

Rap is a bummer too. Paris’ first albums are down right scary. Dead cops everywhere and “kill whitey” stuff around every corner is great but then you talk to the guy and he’s all “m-eh.” He even said “the white devil” he was talking about could be anyone. La-a-a-ame. That’s what Motley Crue said when they got in shit for Shout at the Devil . “The Devil is anything that holds you back man. It could be your parents telling you to turn the music down.” Pussies.

Another huge disappointment was Dead Prez. When the video for “Hip Hop” came out it looked like the beginning of a revolution. Then you talk to the guys and they sound like 14 year-old kids. It was like you want to meet Che Guevara and Corky came to greet you at the door.

It’s probably best you never meet famous people or watch any documentaries about them. We need to stop interviewing bands. It’s giving the game away. 

Oh wait, I just remembered some more…

David Allen Coe is another character that’s way better in imaginary land. Ever see an interview with him? What a knob. Talking about how him and Kid Rock have this thing they’ve been doing — then he gives the finger. What? Dude, Kid Rock is scared of you. When he saw you had cut out a million pictures of him and stuck them all over your trailer he shat his fucking pants. And get those fucking beads out of your beard. You look like a homeless parrot.

Lance Armstrong seems like a rock but we know some strippers that had him and he’s a horny nightmare. It got so bad when he was last in New Orleans the strippers would groan when he walked into the club. Blind people are also a bummer but that’s another story.