Your friends don’t like you

Why are the shittiest people in the world often the most popular? I am front and center enough to know that I am a pretty shitty person, but I have like zero friends. So why is it that it works for other people and not for me? I am told time and time again that I need to weed out the jerks in my life and get to harvesting some real quality people to staff as my emotional support system.

There are two major problems in this: 1) Literally everyone I know is a jerk; if someone is actually generous with their time and emotions with me, I will probably not want anything to do with them. 2) If I were to go against my nature and surround myself with “nice” people, my virus-like personality would soon overcome theirs, and POOF, a brand new dickface would be born from what was once a stable and fun-loving person. This all gets me to thinking about the top five shittiest things that my friends have done to me. Maybe this will also turn your minds to the same subject, and then you will also realize that you are alone in the world.

1) It was the thing to do in grade school to have two best friends. So I had these two best friends and we decided to form a club called The Pink Ladies. (Original, I know.) I was a fan of merch from a very young age, so I suggested that we have shirts made that said The Pink Ladies on the back in fuzzy letters of some sort. My two best friends thought that was a great idea, so I went home and screamed in my Dad’s face about it until he took me to the mall to have them made. The next day I brought the set of three hot pink shirts with fuzzy letters on the back to school, and when I presented them to my two best friends, they both told me I was retarded.

2) This one also took place in grade school…I was paired up with this boy I really liked for a science project one year. I think his name was Jeremy Chingchong or something. He wore denim jackets with the sleeves cut off and prescription Ray Ban sunglasses. He would always make a big deal out of wearing his glasses in class, just waiting for the teacher to say something about them so he could be all “They’re prescription!!” Anyway, we couldn’t come up with anything for our science project, so I suggested that we get a turtle and study its eating patterns. Really I just wanted an excuse to own a turtle. So I screamed in my Dad’s face again, and we went to the pet store and bought a red-eared slider and a big tank with some glow in the dark castles to go in it. I called up Jeremy Chingchong with the good news, and he told me that he asked this slut Dana to join our group, and she wanted to do a project on recycling–which he thought was a better idea than turtles. I told him to go fuck himself in the face. I still, to this day, refuse to recycle.

3) A few years ago, I was dumped by this girl who was trying to hook up with the fat guy from Casiotone for the Painfully Alone. I was at work one morning, all put out about it, and my closest friend at the time (who I also worked with) told me that she couldn’t have lunch with me that day because she was starving and needed to grab something to eat earlier. I told her that she shouldn’t be so concerned with food because she was clinically obese. I have not said one word to her since. All she had to do was sit there and watch me eat my fucking tater tots! That’s what friends are for!

4) One time I was hard up for cash, so I asked my good friend if she knew of anyone who was hiring so that I could pick up a second job. She told me that she had some work for me to do, and would be delighted to help me out herself. I spent three hours doing grunt work in her un-air-conditioned apartment, and she paid me with three rolls of quarters. I put those silver turds in my purse and felt their weight hang low as I cursed her name all the way to the bus stop. You know how people do sentimental things at their friend’s funerals? Like put some lucky penny that they found together into the casket just as it closes and is lowered into the ground? Three rolls of quarters, bitch. Trust in it.

5) I’m too mad now to think about a fifth thing.

What I know to be true is that people only have friends so that they have someone to drag along to all of the stupid crap they want to do. I’d much rather kick a red bouncy ball against a tree in the park all by myself and start a one-person kickball team called “Team I Never Liked You Anyway.”