Never assume Canadians are nice and polite—we are ruthless chainsaw wielding marauders when your beloved building washes up on our shores.
Photo illustration via Facebook video and 'The Red Green Show.'
The stereotype of the polite Canadian has been a boon for our country.
We’ve used it to manipulate the hell out of the world. People look at our nice little frozen tundra and think about how we’re helping each other dig cars (or snowmobiles) out of snow and, like, serving each other hot beef barley soup or something. We all know the cliche of American tourists sewing Canadian flags on backpacks so they are harassed less abroad.
However, we Canadians harbour a dirty little secret. We can be just as big of assholes as the rest of the chuds populating the globe and the polite-as-can-be cliche tends to act as a smokescreen for the racism and violence that exists here. We’re not here to talk about that though, we’re here to talk about what some of us did to our southern neighbours’ favourite historical shed.
Earlier this week, a couple proud but frozen dickheads took some chainsaws and sledgehammers to the US historic site after it washed up on the shores of New Brunswick. The exact motives are unclear—it could be for revenge, or maybe it was to source materials for a sick gazebo hut, perfect for listening to Kim Mitchell’s “Patio Lanterns.”
No matter what the reason behind it, at the end of the day we chainsawed the living hell out of that shed. (Here is a suggested song to soundtrack what you’re about to read.)
As chronicled by the CBC’s Julia Wright, after a massive storm slammed into Maine, a very popular old shed outside of Lubec—beloved for being the last standing herring smokehouse in the country, built in 1907—got into a little bit of trouble. Historic value offers no protection from the cruel reality of mother nature, so when the storm hit it collapsed off its pilings into the water and took a nice little float towards Canada.
After reaching Canada’s most forgettable province, New Brunswick, the not-so-good people of Campobello Island went to town on it.
"It was a very bad scene," Rachel Rubeor, president of Lubec Landmarks, told the CBC. "Many of of the people were very hostile to her. They had chainsaws. They were sawing up the peak of the building, they were dismantling the chimney, which was intact, we have a picture of a car loaded with wood and bricks driving away."
The Americans still want to save the shed by dismantling it and bringing it back home, but the New Brunswick looters have already done a number to apparently get their hands on that sweet, sweet historical brine shed wood.
Pictured above: A couple of good ol’ Canadian boys training for this moment.
You might say, “well, Mack, this is just a couple assholes, how can you possibly use this incredibly specific situation to generalize about Canadians as a whole?” Well, to you, my fair reader, I would answer with, “look at how quick we were to rip apart Maine's favourite shed.”
Simply put, next time you try to write off Canadians as being being polite little guys you can fuck with, I want you to remember what we did to that shed. Make no qualms about it, Americans, if your home floats into Canada we won’t think twice about taking a sledgehammer to your walls and stealing all of your copper pipes.
We burned down your god-dang White House before, we’re good at this shit.
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