Happy Father's Day!In celebration of the Día de Los Dads, we thought we'd offer the definitive guide to what to feed your father. This is what dads eat.
Dads love grilling. If you don't know that already, you probably don't have a dad.
Dads like eating steaks with their families. Aww, Dad! Some dads like their steaks well-done, while other more adventurous dads like theirs dripping with blood. Dads like the taste of blood sometimes.
Dads also love to carve meat. Give your dad a nice, big, sharp knife and watch him reduce a once-living being's carcass into a plate full of torn, pink flesh scraps.
Dads love beer, especially in mugs. Pour dad a cold one after a long day at the lumber yard. But some dads drink too many beers. We won't worry about those dads today.
Dads eat burgers at least once a week. Sometimes Dad gets greedy and orders a burger that's much too big. Then he has to disassemble it before eating it, but he doesn't feel ashamed.
Dads love chilies, and a shitload of them at that. Is your dad spicy? How spicy is your dad, really? To find out, put hot sauce all over your dad's food and see if he gets mad.
Taco night with Dad is the best. But remember, Dad does not like lettuce in his tacos because lettuce is too limp and has no flavor. Dad would prefer a taco stuffed to the brim with ground beef. (Dads also love Cheers.)
Speaking of "Mexican" "food," Dads love to get turnt as hell when it's 2-for-1 margarita night. Dad also always insists on being the designated driver, so buckle up on the way home!
Dads love apfelstrudel and ice cream. Usually German dads, but maybe dads anywhere! Maybe a dad in Saskatchewan, or Swaziland! No reasons those dads can't enjoy apfelstrudel, too.
Dads love Cosmos. Like Carrie Bradshaw, they will try to order Cosmos at McDonald's, so watch out!
Dads love frutti di mare. Fun fact: Marlon Brando probably ate frutti di mare on the set of The Godfather, and he had 17 kids, so he was a total dad.
Dads fucking love dim sum. Look how much Dad is enjoying himself. Share a barbecue pork bun with your dad to show him you care!
Dads sometimes enjoy whole muscle groups of raw meat. This dad is so tough, we bet he's not even going to cook that bad boy.
Dads also devour entire birds like cartoon villains. (Dads are also great at being silly and making jokes.)
Dads love to eat a "chop." Any chop will do—present your dad with a chop and watch his face light up like a Christmas tree. Dads can get every bit of flesh off that bone using their sharp incisors and strong jaws.
If your dad is Jewish, you have very likely seen him eat herring out of a jar. It's just what those crazy Jewish dads do!
Dads come in all ages and sizes, and they always love apples. Sometimes, when Dad is sad, he might peel an apple and then not eat any of the skin. The skin is bitter to him. The skin is bad. But that's OK, because the flesh is crunchy and sweet.
Dads love mashed potatoes! Watch Dad scoop his mashed potatoes into an ever-smaller mound in the middle of his plate while he eats. What is Dad thinking about?
Dads will choke you out if you get in the way of their cookies and milk. Dads are often strong. Try to avoid getting choked by Dad if possible.
Dads love dining in diners while wearing Hawaiian shirts. This is one of the most resolutely Dad activities.
Dads love sandwiches. They don't even need a goddamn table to sit at. Dads never worry about calories, so they feel free to get their sandwich on a nice, big, buttery croissant. Why not?
Dads love popcorn. Hello! "Pop" corn! Duh.
Dads love corn of any stripe, actually. Baby corn, you're welcome on Dad's plate! Dads love babies. That's why they're dads.
Dads eat some weird shit. We don't know what that is. Careful, Dad!
Go feed your dad something nice. It's Father's Day!