American hero and future leader of the free world Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson just dropped the first trailer from his upcoming Jumanji remake, and the movie looks just about as questionable as you'd expect a 2017 Jumanji remake to be.
The original Jumanji movie was a magical, inventive kid flick about some innocent youths who play an old-ass board game that inadvertently fills their home with rhinos and elephants and a bearded Robin Williams. Apparently whoever decided to reboot the movie also decided that no one but terrifying mascots play board games anymore, so Jumanji is now an old Magnavox Odyssey-style video game console.
Also, the kids are troubled teens now. Also, they get sucked inside the game this time and enter the bodies of adults, presumably so the movie could have more room for stars. Also, there are hordes of bad guys on motorcycles for some reason.
The Rock, Jack Black, Kevin Hart, and Karen Gillian are the video game characters that the minds of our Breakfast Club-y teens inhabit, and a troubling amount of the trailer's time is focused on Black pretending to have the mind of a teen girl and the hilarious hijinks that ensue.
This is only the first trailer, so who knows—maybe there's actually a movie as sweet and magical as the original Jumanji here. But if so, the trailer doesn't capture it, no matter how many times The Rock forcibly thrusts one eyebrow toward the heavens.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle is out December 20. But if you liked the original Jumanji and want a slightly-more-updated version, you should probably just watch Zathura.