Donk eee

I wonder what people looked at on the internet before they had this picture. Probably nothing. They probably just sat in silence, doing nothing, waiting for something worth looking at to come along.

Given how it’s become this generation’s tennis player scratching her arse, it’s probably raked down some massive lucre somewhere along the line. Forget the TomKat spermshake, the most valuable photo of recent times cost approximately $0 to create, and was achieved merely via some animal cruelty.

Apart from showing a donkey hil-a-riously upended by a cart, it also illustrates that the worth of an image is a function of two variables: the news-worthiness of the event, and the rank of the celebrities engaged in it. Donkey = low celebrity status. Being cantilevered into the clouds = rare and interesting. Is it as valuable as a picture of, say, Barack Obama (high celeb status) shaking a hand (booring)?

More acutely, what happens when the scores on either side of the equation balance each other out? Can anyone truly say which of the following pics would be more valuable to the paps?

Q1
Britney kissing a new boyfriend.

Or:
JoJo giving blowjobs for pennies.

Q2:
Michael Jackson revealing his plastic surgery scars.

Or:
Steve Guttenberg eating a hamster.

Q3:
Madonna cooking sausages.

Or:
TV’s Andrew Neil headbutting a cat.

Not so easy, is it?

GAVIN HAYNES