Nude politics

Old people are different to young people, and not just because they tell their friends you work in a “nightclub”, when clearly you’re working on a “club night”. They also look shit naked, and spend their private lives fantasising about touching a set of tits that don’t feel like balls. Or so I thought until I was ostricised on a Croatian nudist beach for being too young and hot. Their stupid inverse snobbery forced me to watch them like a geriophile pervert from a vantage point atop a rock, while my boyfriend slathered factor 50 sunscreen on my reflective white buttocks.

On holiday in Croatia last month, we grew bored of the industrially organised beach experience of towel-to-towel sunbathers and clusters of screaming children at the main beach on the island of Rab, and headed for the rocky nudist beach Sahara. As we approached it, all the clichés were quickly validated: nudists are all over forty, overweight, and over-exposed. When they stretched out their leathery brown bodies, the crescent of white flesh under their moobs glistened.

As we made our way down to the beach we received a few hostile sidelong looks from the naked group whose territory we were encroaching. Naturists, I learnt, disapprove of “textiles” – their name for the clothed public – and discourage them from invading their beaches. We felt if we didn’t get naked quick there was going to some sort of X-rated Lord of the Flies situation.

I’m not one of those girls who gets her tits out in the bar for cheap exhibitionist kicks. But I like being naked. I especially like swimming naked. Being naked makes a lot of sense in 30-degree heat and really what is the point of three carefully placed triangles of material? But there was something uncomfortable about this. We were the sex in a sexless group. We were the unspoken fear of public erections. And it wasn’t an unfounded fear.

As we clambered over some rocks we noticed a white-haired man in a white flat cap and white socks hidden inside a bush following us with his eyes. Unhindered, we pressed on until we spotted a haven. It was hidden from public view behind a big boulder, and had a fabulous view of the deep blue Adriatic. I hopped over the boulder only to be confronted with the only other young couple on the beach. Her head was buried between his legs sucking his balls as he sunned his erection.

Walking away in search of a new spot I moaned about their blatant transgression of nudist beach etiquette. Basically, I was just jealous. I wanted to be having an orgasm staring out at an Adriatic bay full of dolphins playing the flute or something.

As we went in search of our own spot to rival the ball-sucking couple we kept noticing that creepy white-haired man a few steps behind us, or waiting suspiciously behind a tuft of trees, then pretending to nonchalantly pass us by. Ignoring him we settled on a small rocky shelf by the water, hard to clamber down to and protected from the main beach by rocks on either side.

It was only after we were actually doing the dirty that we saw his wrinkled body scrambling down the rocks into our hideaway. Despite catching us completely in flagrante, he carefully picked his way across the boulders, with his funny little potbelly brushing his orange penis, and gave us a long hard stare as he stepped over our naked bodies.

Clearly I don’t know the unwritten rules of the naturist world. Maybe they’re so laid back that stepping over a couple fucking is no different than shaking hands with your grandfather on his birthday. We’re narcs though, so we starred him out until he shuffled off in his socks and sandals.

After we began again, my boyfriend pointed out the boat of tourists slowly cruising by on an island tour apparently looking our way. I felt a bit guilty – I was giving nudists a bad name, so we finished as quickly as possible, trying not to be deterred by boat traffic.

With the queasy combination of semen, sunblock and salt water in my mouth we headed back to “textile” civilization feeling sluttish. Clearly the older nudes were right to be suspicious of us, we just weren’t mature enough for nudist beaches.