This week’s best TV, reviewed by this generation’s crappiest TV reviewers.

The X Factor
ITV
20 August
8PM

(Watch it here)
On week one’s diminishing-returns evidence, it’s not entirely unlikely that in four years time, X Factor will have ceased to amuse the coalition of nans and nips who keep ITV’s coffers loaded, and so will be booted out into the furthest reaches of TV space (Channel 5). There, a judging panel consisting of Tony Danza, Phats & Small, Glynn from BB7, and Richard Desmond himself, will spend the full 11 month duration of the show reading the words “We’re not looking for someone who can sing. We’re looking for someone with X Factor,” off of cue cards prepared for them by an intern runner. The winner will release a cover of ‘Touch My Bum’, which will get to number 194. No one will care. It’ll be like the day they find an end to war, or a cure for candida. For now, merely pointing out the profound cynicism of the X still somehow makes me the bigger cynic, and the biggest bore. You win again, X Factor. But your time will come. Oh yes.
Rating: 4

Epic Win
20 August
9PM

(Watch it here)
Alexander Armstrong – what is your career path, please? With TV unfunnyman Ben Miller, you brought the unfunny of Radio Four sketch comedies to the Beeb. You were once mooted as the Angus Deayton replacement on HIGNFY. You have subsequently brought Don’t Call Me Stupid, Pointless, Best Of The Worst, and Alexander Armstrong’s Big Ask to our panel-show loaded screens, with varying degrees of limited success. Now, you are hosting a really not as bad as it sounds end of the pier game show called Epic Fail, in which members of the public are asked to demonstrate their hidden skills. It is not a solid upward trajectory. Are you the middle class Vernon Kaye? Is that it – you wish to step into Brucie’s shoes when he tap-dances into that good night? I just wish we knew, Alexander, cos maybe then we could do something to stop you looking so uncomfortable in your latest rented talent vehicle. A man who can blow up hot water bottles while riding on an exercise bike is something that should definitely be on TV. A man who looks wry while someone does so is less essential. Rating: 6

Seven Dwarves
Channel 4
23 August
9PM

(Watch it here)
Every year, dwarves up and down the land do Snow White at panto. “Get some dwarves. Sling em a few lines each. Bam,” as one dwarf-thespian reports. “But what do we know of the lives of the dwarves performing for us?” asks the C4 voiceover during the intro sequence, as the patronise-o-meter explodes in the background. I believe someone may also have used the phrase ‘Little people. Big personalities,’ within the first furlong too. Yet despite such bad early signs, Seven Dwarves turns out to be a warm, funny, touching look at the lives of the crew of part-time actors who make up the supporting cast of Woking’s panto season. Normally, for ‘seven people share a house’-type programming, those seven need to be dole-moles, or have severe diagnosed addiction to sexting, or just be lazy horrid dicks. Ironically enough, C4’s heavily-angled pitch has just turned up an interesting, watchable spread of everyday folk. So be strong, my miniature buddies. Keep your wee chins up, and remember that there’s no problem so big that it can’t be overcome by a tiny man.
Rating: 8

Celebrity Big Brother
Channel 5
22 August
22:00
Are Jedward and Darren Lyons going to get it on? What’s up with Kerry Katona’s views on potatoes? How can Sally Bercow stop the voices in her head telling her to kill the bloke from Corrie? Why is Amy Childs drinking cups of tea? Is Paddy Doherty capable of living in a house which doesn’t have wheels? When will Brian Dowling be shot from a cannon over the Big Brother fence? Another year, another list of fascinating questions due to be teased out over 94 scintilating weeks. Mainly, this year’s show is a sociological experiment in seeing whether Jedward’s mask ever drops. The quizzling duo surely cannot be what they appear to be 24/7. And given that their stated aim is to become the new Ant & Dec – ie casting off their early novelty musical skin to become skilled kids TV presenters – the network schedulers will be watching to see if there are any skeletons in their closets. If John or Edward ever gets morning glory while accidentaly leering at Amy Childs, or starts rambling about their views on racial purity, they can kiss all of that goodbye. They are teetotal, they are remarkably professional, and no doubt they commanded the biggest bucks of any of this year’s housemates. But given what they have to lose, could it really ever be worth it?
Rating: 7