In (fake) Space, Everyone Can Hear You Scream.

From tomorrow 6 men will embark on the first 520 day journey to the surface of Mars that will see them pushed to the ultimate limits of human survival, or not.

Deep in the suburbs of Moscow, 6 would-be cosmonauts, 3 from Russia, 1 Chinese, 1 Frenchman and 1 Italian, will start a 520 day experiment that sees them confined to a 550 cubic metre spaceship simulator replicating the journey to Mars and back again. The simulator is held inside a warehouse in the freezing suburbs of Moscow, it has no windows and just like space communication there will be a 20 minute delay between sending and receiving messages. The cosmonauts will operate in strict routines in an effort to avoid boredom and conflict, they will work for 8 hours, then they have 8 hours of leisure-time and then they get 8 hours sleep. 8 hours leisure time seems pretty sweet, but remember, there are no TV’s, no music, no video games and no internet so their options are limited and it would seem boredom will be inevitable. The crew are monitored 24 hours a day by cameras installed in the simulator, watching the occupants every move and analysing their behaviour, which after a while could make for some rather interesting viewing.

This is what I predict will happen, imagine 6 men in complete isolation from the outside world, no women to keep them entertained, things could go a bit Oz and they’ll all start fucking each other and forming a white power gang against the poor Chinese guy who will end up getting eaten due to the crappy ration packs tasting so awful. No sunlight means lack of Vitamin D which can cause Rickets; where your limbs deform into abnormal lengths and shapes and Osteoporosis; where your bone density decreases leading to frequent and nasty fractures. Add to the equation that the cosmonauts are only allowed a shower once every ten days and you’ll have 6 guys who look and smell like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.
When you’re a kid everyone wanted to be an astronaut, why? Because the laws of gravity don’t apply in space so you can fly through the air with effortless grace making for hours off endless fun, I imagine peeing would be really hard, actually anything involving liquids would be pretty tough, unfortunately for the cosmonauts they’re not actually in space and so don’t even have the novelty of floating around all the time.
This brings another point to my attention; these cosmonauts know full well that they’re in a warehouse in Moscow, not space, after a few months of gargantuan boredom, lack of food, body deformities and awkward silence’s most of them would surely say ‘fuck this, I’m going home to my girlfriend, chocolate ice cream and a hot shower’. These guys must be getting paid a fuck-load of cash to agree to this experiment, this is worse than what Hamsters have to endure at L’oreal.